Paris - All the Gitane-smoking intellectuals and beret-wearing Bolsheviks of the Left Bank are talking about the controversy that has erupted in the City of Light over recent pro-American statements made by Jean-Paul Voitdire, Professor of Comparative Literature at the Sorbonne, during a lecture in a doctoral seminar he was teaching entitled "Strategies Sexuelle dans la nouvelles Americain." According to students who attended the seminar, during a particularly poignant deconstruction of phallic imagery in William Faulkner's Light in August, Professor Voitdire is alleged to have said that "one page of Faulkner is worth all that turgid crap by Voltaire and Victor Hugo, and don't get me started on Proust. Jesus, 200 pages just about eating a friggin' cookie. Give me a break. No, give me Sanctuary. Faulkner rules!!!!"

After Professor Voitdire went on to denounce all of Jerry Lewis' films, with the exception of his collaborations with Dean Martin and the original version of The Nutty Professor, concerned students rushed to the Dean's office and reported the Professor's serious breach of intellectual orthodoxy. Gendarmes were quickly called to the campus and Professor Voitdire was taken to the Simone de Beauvoir Psychiatric Hospital in Lyons for clinical observation. After doctors concluded that Voitdire was no danger to himself or society, the Professor was allowed to go home where he was put on a paid leave of absence while University officials decide what to do about his case.

At an interview conducted at the Parisian café "Le Pig en le Poke," French Culture Minister Jean-Jacques Merde-Lui took a drag off of his Marlboro cigarette, downed a shot of Maker's Mark and listened to a Chet Baker cd playing in the background and said, "It is the duty of every Frenchman to resist the cultural imperialism of the United States. France must remain totally French." The Minister then paid his bill with an American Express Card and apologized for cutting the interview short, citing the need to get to a reception for Keanu Reeves, Hulk Hogan and Madonna who are being inducted into the Legion of Honor for their contributions to French culture