The world is still reeling from the news that former British Prime Minister John Major had an extramarital affair during the 1980s with fellow Tory Cabinet Minister Edwina Currie. While people everywhere are accustomed to the notion that politicians frequently cheat on their spouses, what is harder to accept is the notion that English people actually have sex. "This is shocking," said Hugh Hefner, reached at the Playboy Mansion outside Chicago where he was relaxing with his five girlfriends, Randi, Candi, Mandi, Brandi and Eloise. "I thought I'd seen it all, being in my field, but one thing I have never seen, not at a Playboy Club or at the Mansion, is any evidence that English people ever have sex. You could blow me over with a feather right now, let me tell you."

Former US President Bill Clinton echoed Hefner when he said that "the only reason I went to Oxford was to escape the draft. One thing I knew for sure was that I wasn't going to get lucky over there in England. But I figured abstinence was better than dying...well, almost better."

Sir Trevor Nitwit-Pickwick-Manderly-Jones, chairman of England's "InVitro, Cloning and Ways to Make Babies other than Having Sex Institute" said that the English were every bit as surprised as the rest of the world to discover that Major had got it on with Currie. "This very institute was set up so that we English would not have to get down and do the nasty. We want to keep our population growing, of course, but we never wanted to have to have sex. That's one of the reasons we allow a lot of immigration into England. Otherwise we'd be underpopulated. I mean, there's really only so much cloning and test tube fiddling we can manage, isn't there?"

Major himself stated in a press conference this morning that his affair with Currie was his first experience "doing the deed" and that while he "rather enjoyed it" he didn't get "what all the fuss was about" and firmly hoped the English people wouldn't follow his example. "We have a fine tradition in this country of coldness, lack of passion, lack of normal emotions and feelings, and it would be a shame to throw it over just because I slipped up, now wouldn't it? I certainly don't want to be held responsible for that."

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued a statement from Buckingham Palace in the hopes of calming the furor caused by the revelation that someone English had had sex, and not just once, but "rather a few times, I've been told." The statement read: "My husband Philip and I were distressed to learn that one of our subjects has behaved like an American -- or worse, a Frenchman! -- and has spoken about it openly, to boot. We can only hope that you, our people, will look to fine English tradition and continue to control yourselves. And if you can't then you should at least be ashamed enough to never, ever talk about it to anybody."