Bogota, Colombia - Don Pablo "El Jefe" Juarez, Vice President in charge of product development for the Cartagena Cartel, today announced plans to test market "New Coke," the first change in 97 years in the secret formula of the world’s best-selling coca-leaf based hallucinogenic drug.

"We’re pleased to be expanding our product line at this time," said Senor Juarez. "Although sales of ‘Old Coke’ have been flat for several years, we think that we’ll be able to leverage our brand name recognition into untold synergies of diversification. ‘New Coke’ is hip, it’s happening, it’s that tried and true product that got Grandma higher than a kite, but it’s been updated with a new light contemporary taste."

Preliminary tests have had encouraging results, and there are even plans being floated to produce cherry and vanilla flavored Cokes to increase brand loyalty within the 8-15 year old demographic.

Dr. Juan Garcia Rodriquez, Chairman of OCEC, the Organization of Cocaine Exporting Countries, is optimistic about "New Coke." "This is the breakthrough product we’ve been looking for," said Dr. Rodriquez during a break in a meeting of OCEC ministers in Vienna. "We’ve been losing market share to PCP and Ecstasy for some time. ‘New Coke’ looks like it’s going to put us back on track for positive growth in the neighborhood of 2.5% on an annualized basis. And with NAFTA coming into full force and online sales through Amazon.com, I predict that the 3rd and 4th quarters of 2002 are going to be gangbusters for cocaine sales."

In related news, British mega-ad agency Saatchi and Saatchi announced that it has been awarded a $150 million contract to create the new Fall advertising campaign for the coke industry. Sources say that the campaign’s tentative title is "How High Can You Go!!"