Says, "People of good conscience cannot trust math expressed in terms of one, plus two, equals x."

WASHINGTON, DC--Saying it encourages the kind of spurious logic that allows people to believe that if your against war you're not necessarily for the terrorists (or that you're not necessarily with or against America), President George W. Bush today signed an executive order which subjects algebra users not only to arrest and prosecution, but possible revocation of citizenship and deportation or indefinite imprisonment with no rights to due process.

The signing of the Executive Order was widely hailed as a victory by males aged 12 to 22. Women in the same age group were divided on the issue.

"xz = xy(-z)? What does that mean? " Bush told the Washington Press corps. Using algebra shall henceforth be considered supporting terrorism, Bush said. "Math which simply uses numbers to support moral relativism is junk math. It belongs in the dust bin of history, along with the theory of evolution and global warming."

When one reporter asked how weapons could be engineered without algebra, the president, after carefully considering the question said, "Look, Jesus didn't need algebra and neither do I. And the American people, too."

After the press conference the reporter was heard to remark, "Jesus didn't need F-18's and thermonuclear warheads either. I can't help wondering if this is somehow personal for him. Yeah, well anyway, good luck landing Air Force One."

Indeed, speculation was rampant on Capital Hill that there may have been some personal motivation to issue the order. Reportedly math and math related subjects were among the president's poorest in high school and college. "It's hard to believe math could have been that much trouble for him," said one source, on condition of anonymity, "when you consider his flair for the English language."

In his daily White House press briefing, presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said Americans "...should be careful how they calculate and check their work. You can't be too careful." Asked if this was part of a larger plan to legislate knowledge and if there was any truth to the rumor that the plan was set to move ahead with the banning of "The Elements of Style," by and E. B. White and William Strunk, Jr., Fleischer stated flatly that he is not aware of any such plans. "The president is, however, looking at banning critical thought and analysis and Greek philosophy," Fleischer conceded. In defense of the president's position Fleischer said, "I mean, a lot of the Greeks were gay, or at least bisexual, right? So you know they couldn't have been thinking straight."

The president has never been fond of criticism and, following the new laws mandating simplified calculations, critical thought is now definitively the work of evil-doers.