New York, NY-The stock market tanked on Monday, when investors realized that war means uncertainty and killing. It went back up on Tuesday, prompting some economists to predict a boom. That upswing was tempered however, by news that the Senate had realized that war means expense and sacrifice. "We can't pass a gigundous tax cut," admitted Ohio Republican Senator George V. Voinovich, "We're broke. We can only pass a gigantic tax cut. In the face of a multi-billion dollar war expense, we can only muster half the denial we normally could."

This bad news aside, gains on the war front are certain to foster more speculation, to be followed by rampant sell-offs every time General Tommy Franks sneezes.

"It's the new, new economy," said Goldman Sachs analyst Colin Fairbanks, "Instead of a bubble, this war will generate countless little bubblets, which will rise and pop in a much faster succession. I would say the stock market is like ginger ale. Ginger ale that can ruin your pension. It's like we say at Goldman Sachs, 'Volatility is the new stability.'"

Individual tickers had mixed news this week. Defense contractors did well, as did Halliburton and other wartime industries. McDonalds took a hit, when its attempt to capitalize on the war with blood-flavored shakes didn't generate expected profits. Many blame the "ARE YOU BLOOOODTHIRSTY YET?" ad campaign. "Too subtle," complained marketing guru Sebastian Bunktle.

Secretary of the Treasury John Snow tried to put the new new economy into perspective, "You know, the whole economic upsurge generated by war mobilization during WWII was more an argument for socialism than for war. War is a resource draining exercise in destruction, generating instability not just in geo-political terms, but economically as well. But don't worry, I have enough money to ride out the rough patches and cynically capitalize on what benefits there are. And of course, our total lack or fiscal responsibility is something people in my income bracket can exploit personally. I'd pity the average working man, of course, if I ever saw any. Want to get some sushi?"

When asked how long regular 401K investors could expect wartime reverberations to generate stock market volatility, Colin Fairbanks punched a series of numbers into his calculator, mumbling, "Mmm… hmmm… ahummm…Ah yes. Forever."