Boston - First it was financial scandals, followed by Notre Dame football teams that really sucked, then pederast priests. Now it appears that bingo, the fourth and some would say most important pillar of the Roman Catholic Church, is on the verge of self-destruction. Yesterday members of the Boston Police Department SWAT team, two divisions of the Massachusetts National Guard and the US Army's elite Delta Force had to be called in to stop a riot that had broken out at the Whitey Bulger Memorial Senior Citizen Center at St. Bernadette's Cathedral in the so-called "Southie" section of Beantown. "Southie," populated mostly by unemployed drunk Irish immigrants, became well-known in the 1970s as a symbol of protest against racial integration, and according to statistics released by the US Census Bureau, contains the highest concentration of dim-witted white people in the world.

Although details at this point are sketchy, it appears that the cause of the riot was dissatisfaction over new rules limiting bingo participants to one colostomy bag per person. "I know these old-timers can play bingo all night," said Seamus O'Connor, director of activities at the Bulger Center, "But, my god, seven colostomy bags?! C'mon, we all know they were smuggling in contraband and controlled substances. Heck, we even found one hastily discarded bag filled with two gallons of Curacao. I mean, give me a break. Who pisses blue anyway?"

The Diocese of Boston officially denied any responsibility for the riot. John Cardinal O'Donnell, Archbishop of the Diocese, angrily attacked the press for what he termed "sloppy reporting by biased reporters who have been duped by Protestant agitprop." Cardinal O'Donnell assumed a defiant posture as he met with members of the press. "I'm sick and tired of all the anti-Irish prejudice in American society. You read the newspapers and you'd think that all we Irish do is drink, fight and whore around." O'Donnell then chugged a bottle of Guinness Stout, pinched his secretary on her posterior, made two fists with his hands and said, "And I'll lick any man who says otherwise."