Aries
March 21-April 19.
Since you were born with Mars rising, you should try harder to control your temper in day to day interactions. Remember when that slow moving old asshole you tailgated and flipped off on your way to the job interview turned out to be the head of personnel? Gee, you would have been making about 19k more a year if you had gotten that position- hey, is that vein in you forehead starting to throb?

Taurus
April 20-May 20.
A new pet may improve your outlook, but the way your luck's been running, don't get anything that's too big to flush.

Gemini
May 21-June 20.
Tact and sensitivity may help improve your relationships with your neighbors. They might not be so cold and suspicious if you didn't leave the binoculars sitting on the window sill.

Cancer
June 21-July 22.
Will it be a wild night of exotic romance or an evening home alone with a dish of your favorite ice cream and some videos? Who the hell are we kidding? There's a coupon for the five quart tub of generic fudge ripple in today's paper.

Leo
July 23- August 22.
It's time to start exercising more. Buy 40 ounce cans of malt liquor instead of those puny 12 ouncers. Remember to switch arms-you don't want one to become overdeveloped, like when right after you reached puberty.

Virgo
August 23-September 23.
Don't let the success of others intimidate you-You can probably eek out a pretty decent living by doing all those disgusting jobs your betters wouldn't touch.

Libra
September 23-October 22.
Discretion is in order for Libras. It is surprising how small they can make those security cameras these days.

Scorpio
October 23-November 21.
You really ought to stick with a diet and exercise regimen. That cute little unicorn tattoo in that special place now looks like a rhino-at the rate you're going, it will soon resemble something Jurassic.

Sagittarius
November 22-December 21.
Practice saying, "The last thing I remember is getting hit on the head!" until you can make everyone believe it-especially cops, judges, and proctologists.

Capricorn
December 22-January 19.
Remember Hamlet's soliliquy from World Literature Class? Uh...remember World Literature Class? How about your junior year? You Capricorns do start experimenting with recreational chemicals at an early age, don't you? Oh, well, it's probably the only way a lot of you will ever reproduce.

Aquarius
January 20-February 18.
Just because your ex had a sex change after your relationship doesn't mean it was your fault-they had to be a little off to go out with you in the first place.

Pisces
February 19-March 19.
Try to socialize a little more- hotnbusty_lesbo_leatherluvn_cheerleader@yahoo.com may share lots of <ahem> intimate moments with you, but he since he's 14 and lives in Provo with his parents, he probably won't be able to lend you much money.