September 25th, 2002

Dear Dr. Grim,

I recently got married. My wife and I want to start a family, but have decided to wait for several years. My question to you is this: What is the most effective form of birth control?

Sid from Sydney, Australia

Dear Sid,

And G'day mate and to all you wallabes down under. Now that we have all the Australian cliches out of the way, let me address your question. The only 100% foolproof form of birth control is whenever you and the missus start to get frisky, have the little woman put on a mask featuring the image of former American Attorney General Janet Reno. Your Johnson will go south faster than an Enron executive fleeing to Bolivia. Guaranteed.

Dear Dr. Grim,

I think that my girlfriend is obsessed with oral sex. She insists on orally pleasuring me at all times of the day, often as much as 15 times in a 24-hour period. Why when we went to New York last week she fellated me during a matinee performance of The Producers, and then afterwards she went down on me twice during dinner at Le Cirque 200. What is your thinking about all of this?

Overblown in Omaha

Dear Overblown,

And your problem is...?

Dear Dr. Grim,

What's with those Germans bad mouthing our president? Buncha ungrateful Huns, if you ask me. I didn't watch my buddies die face down in the muck on Normandy Beach just so some butt-ugly German politician could dis the freely-elected leader of the Free World. What do you think? Should we invade? I was talking to my buddies from my old unit. We may all be over 80 but we`re rarin' to go. Just give us the word.

Master Sgt. Raymond "Whup-Ass" Wallace, US Army retired
Fort Meyers, Florida

Dear Master Sergeant Wallace,

Many thanks from a grateful nation for your years of service defending our great nation. No, I don't believe that an invasion of Germany is needed at this time (tempting though it may be). I think a better plan of action is to sue Germany for repayment of American expenses in World War II, the Marshall Plan, the Berlin Airlift and the Cold War. Let's see, by my calculations that comes to approximately §13.8 trillion. OK, if every American sues Germany in small claims court for the maximum limit (remember, your tax dollars paid for Germany's reconstruction) we can bankrupt that country quicker than you can say Bitzkrieg.

September 17th, 2002

Dear Dr. Grim,

I still get very emotional when I think about the 9/11 terrorist attack. Do you have any advice on how to work through my grief? Should I join a support group or volunteer at a cat shelter?

Still Sad in San Francisco

Dear Still Sad,

Support groups are for wimps, vegetarians and Yanni fans. The best way to deal with grief is to cause some grief of your own. And don't volunteer at a cat shelter, volunteer for the Special Forces. Once you get over to the Middle East and start shooting Arabs you'll feel a whole
lot better. And while you're at it, start a Neighborhood Watch. If any raghead on a camel sets foot on your block it's best to shoot first and ask questions later. Remember, dead Arabs don't fly planes into skyscrapers.

An Ask Dr. Grim Special Report---Book Tour Diary

Well, let me tell you, Dr. Grim is one tired best-selling author. I'd like to thank my legions of fans who attended the book signings during my recent tour to promote "Dr. Grim Explains the Universe," my latest volume from Oxford University Press. It was a hectic, action-packed five days, but it was worth it, because it's all about you, the fans who make "Ask Dr. Grim" the most popular advice column on the internet. I thought that you might be interested in what goes on behind the scenes of an international book tour, so here's my "Book Tour Diary."

Friday, September 6, Virgin Records, Easton Town Center, Columbus, Ohio--Wow, my hometown crowd is really getting psyched. They had to put up bleachers outside the store and the book signing is being televised on a Jumbotron. My good friend Danielle Steel is opening for me on the tour. She's doing a great job, but now the crowd is beginning to chant "Dr. Grim, Dr. Grim, Dr. Grim." Ok, here goes. Wow, the security is really tight. Geesh, the lines goes outside Virgin, across the street to Starbucks, then it goes around the AMC 30 and past Nordstrom's.
Columbus, Ohio audiences are the greatest audiences in the world!

Saturday, September 7, Half-Price Books, Cleveland Heights, Ohio--A police escort with sirens blazing. How cool is that! Another SRO crowd. The mayor gives me the key to the city. We're looking at five straight hours of signing books. Gunilla, my Swedish hand masseuse, gives me a quick workout before I start. Cramping is a major problem for best-selling authors. Bud, my book tour roadie, is worried that there won't be enough copies of "Dr. Grim Explains the Universe" to meet the enormous demand. Oxford Press has its printing facilities working 24 hours a day, but they're still way behind. So Bud has printed out rain checks to distribute just in case. Boy, do I have a great group of people on Team Dr. Grim.

Monday, September 9, Virgin Records, Piccadilly Circus, London, England--A quick jump across the pond and then it's "hit the ground running." Props to my homeboy Richard Branson for letting us use his private jet. Of course, Sir Richard is making money out the wazoo on us. The units are flying out the door. Gunilla is worried that the damp weather will adversely affect my writing hand. She wants to go leftie, but I put my foot down. I'll never be a leftist. I chat with Princess Fergie for a while. We both agree that Tina Brown is a royal bitch.

Tuesday, September 10, Shakespeare & Co., Paris, France--Wow, the crowd here is amazing. The police say it's just like when Lindbergh landed at Orly Field. Le Figaro claims it's the most important
literary event in Paris since 1924 when James Joyce read the "Sirens" episode of "Ulysses" to the guitar accompaniment of Django Reinhardt. Catherine Deneuve and Isabella Rossellini stop by for a chat and Jacques Chirac asks me to do a TV spot for the "I Love Pa-ree!" advertising campaign. Mai oui, Jacques!

Wednesday, September 11, Hugendubel Buecher, Munich, Germany--Security is very tight. Neo-Nazis have decided to picket my book signing, but this has only helped to promote the event. There's a lot of tension in the air. One of the neo-Nazi thugs throws gasoline on a display containing copies of "Dr. Grim Explains the Universe" and sets it on fire. This sets off the sprinkler system. In the ensuing riot, Bud, Gunilla, Danielle and I grab a half dozen Nazis and beat the living daylights out of them with copies of "The Diary of Anne Frank." Now that's what I call poetic justice.

September 4th, 2002

Dear Dr. Grim,

I’m an average guy trying to make my way in the world. When it comes to understanding the fairer sex I feel out of sorts. All the ladies’ magazines give advice on relationships, but all the guy magazines talk about are sports and power tools. How about giving us guys a leg up on the relationship front, you know, relationship advice from a male point of view.

Macho Man from Minneapolis

Dear Macho Man,

What an excellent suggestion! It’s so good that I’m pleased to tell you that you have won an autographed copy of Dr. Grim’s book “If Woman Are from Venus, What’s the Matter with Uranus?” (Oxford University Press, 2001).

OK, for starters, women can sense desperation. So don’t seem overanxious. For example, never learn a woman’s name until after you’ve had sex with her 5 or 6 times. Nothing says “loser” faster than remembering a broad’s name. Besides, they’re all named Tiffany or Brittany these days.

Foreplay is the woman’s responsibility. Hey, at dinner you bought the appetizer. In the bedroom, it’s the woman’s turn.

Just like investing for your retirement, when it comes to women, diversification is the answer. You might think that hot babe you’re dating is a solid blue chip IBM emotional investment, but she might turn out to be a romantic Enron, and then where would your Love 401K be? Diversify your portfolio with blondes, brunettes and redheads, and don’t be ahead to divest yourself of underperformers.

Never be honest with a woman. Sure, they all say they want an honest guy, but do you think they really want a truthful response to the question “Do you think this dress makes my butt look fat?”

Never give a woman more than one hour’s notice for a date. If she’s interested, she’ll be sitting by the phone fully made up waiting for your call.

No relationship should last longer than 5 days, a week at the very most. Anything longer gives the signal that you’re emotionally needy. Follow that old show biz saying, “Always leave ‘em wanting more.” Communication destroys relationships. In order to avoid misunderstandings talk should be kept to the bare minimum. That’s why there is oral sex.

So, that’s about all there is that you need to know about women. Follow these tips and your future should be one continuous babe-a-pollooza.

Important Announcement: Dr. Grim to Kick Off World-Wide Book Signing Tour

Yes, it’s official. Your favorite advice columnist, Dr. Grim, will soon begin a lengthy tour to promote his latest book, “Dr. Grim Explains the Universe” (Oxford University Press) Here is his itinerary for the next week. Be sure to stop in and meet the Good Doctor and get him to sign your copy of his book.

Friday, September 6 11:00am Virgin Records, Easton Town Center, Columbus, Ohio
Saturday, September 7 10:00am Half-Price Books, Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Monday, September 9 11:00am Virgin Records, Piccadilly Circus, London, England Tuesday,
September 10 2:30pm Shakespeare & Co., Paris, France Wednesday,
September 11 3:00pm Hugendubel Buecher, Marienplatz, Munich, Germany

Dr. Grim is a certified therapist and world-renowned expert who is affiliated with the Woody Hayes Center for Conflict Resolution of Columbus, Ohio. Dr. Grim wants to help you with all of your problems. C’mon, you know you need help. Don’t be bashful. Send your questions to Dr Grim.

Do not miss previous month's list of problem solvers by Dr Grim

August 2002

July 2002

June 2002