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August 28th, 2002

Dear Dr. Grim,

I am a 21-year old female who is considering breast enlargement surgery. Are there any religious restrictions against such procedures? I’m concerned because, even though I want a pair of bodacious ta-tas, I’d prefer not to burn in Hell for all eternity.

Hopeful Hooters-Gal in Houston

Dear Hopeful,

Relax. Remember what the Bible says, “Be fruitful and multiply.” That means you can pump up your mammaries till the cows come home and not have to worry about your soul one bit. Breast implants are made of either silicon or saline solution. Silicon, that’s just a fancy word for sand, like the sand found on the banks of the River Jordan where our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was baptized. And saline solution, that’s just what city slickers call salt water and salt water is what the good Lord put on this Earth during the Third Day of Creation. Breast implants are part of nature and nature was created by God Himself. They’re part of everything that is good and pure and natural and honest. So, get thee to a plastic surgeon, I say unto you. Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Flat-Chested, I shall not want for an underwire bra with lumbar support. Go and be a B cup no more.

Dear Dr. Grim,

Aliens from Alpha Centauri abducted my sister and are demanding 463 Alpha Centauri Credits in ransom, or $50,000 at today’s exchange rate. They want me to wire the money to them by Western Union. My question to you is this: Since Alpha Centauri is 4.2 light years from Earth, what happens if the Alpha Centauri Credit gains a lot in value against the dollar over the 4.2 years it will take the Western Union money order to get there and my $50,000 ends up being worth considerably less than the 463 Credit ransom agreed to? Will this adversely affect my sister’s release?

Razzled in Roswell

Dear Razzled,

Fortunately the United Federation of Planets Protocol on Floating Exchange Rates of Stardate 4573.8 covers such exigencies. If the dollar falls in value against the Alpha Centauri Credit the Alpha Centaurians will just have to eat the loss. But if the dollar gains in value they get to pocket the profit.

August 21st, 2002

Hey There, Fans of Dr. Grim Worldwide,

Yes, yes, I know. I’ve been getting thousands of emails. “Where have you been been?” “I need your advice, Dr. Grim.” “Dr. Grim, hast thou forsaken us?”

Geesh, get a grip, people. I was only gone for a week. And it was on “government business,” if you catch my drift. Sorry, I’m not at liberty to divulge any details, but let’s just say that there are now substantially fewer Arab terrorists and a whole lot of satisfied supermodels in the Chicagoland metropolitan area.

And with that, on to this week’s tales of woe!

Dear Dr. Grim,

I’m so upset. It’s my husband George. We’ve been married for 13 years and, I don’t know, it seems like he’s changed. George just doesn’t appear to be interested in me any more. What can I do?

Gladys Malkovich - Dubuque, Iowa

Dear Gladys,

He’s changed?! Man, have you looked in the mirror recently? I mean, c’mon, you were a sexy babe when you got married, but look at you now. What is it, 75 pounds you’ve put on? Huh? And what’s with the Care Bear slippers and “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt? Yeah, that’ll really bring out George’s inner-Antonio-Banderas. And fess up, girl, when was the last time you gave George a good ol’ fashioned Lewinsky? October 28, 1989? Just what I thought. No wonder George seems more interested in perusing porn than in doing the nasty with his hausfrau from hell.

Gladys, if you want to save your marriage and rekindle the flame of romance like it was 13 years ago when you were a pneumatic nymphomaniac pleasuring George every fifteen minutes in the backseat of his Plymouth Fury, you’ve got to follow my advice. Right this instant toss out all of those books by that candy-assed "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” John Gray. Never take any advice from a TV shrink whose testicles have yet to descend. That little tofu-eating wimp has done incredible damage to relationships by going on and on about the importance of “communication.” A good marriage is NOT, I repeat, NOT based on communication.

Do you really think that men are interested in what women have to say? Puh-lease!!!!! The last woman who had anything interesting to say was Madame Curie, and she died of radium poisoning.

Now, get on the Stairmaster and start going down on George at least three times a day. I think you’ll find that this will pique your husband’s interest. Remember, when was the last time you heard of “too much oral sex” being listed as grounds for divorce? Excuse me, was that…never?

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Due to overwhelming public demand, Oxford University Press has just announced that it is publishing new and revised editions of “Dr. Grim’s Classics of Marriage Counseling.” These include:

• Volume 1: Barely Legal Brides: Making the May-December Relationship Work for You
• Volume 2: White Slavery: A Creative Alternative to Traditional Marriage
• Volume 3: It Ain’t Cheatin’ If It’s Only Eatin’: Strengthening Marriage Through Oral Sex with Multiple Anonymous Partners
• Volume 4: Love in the Field of Honor: Resolving Marital Conflicts Through Dueling

All four volumes are available on Amazon.com. When you order, if you mention BrokenNewz.com you’ll get a 10% discount off their already low, low prices!

August 7th. 2002

Dear Dr. Grim,

There is cheese and rice in my colostomy bag. I never eat cheese and rice. All my friends at the bridge club laugh at me because of it, and when I promised to kill them for making fun of me they socked me with a restraining order. Now I cant play Bridge. I just wanted to know if I should find new friends to play bridge with, or just kill the old ones as I promised, after all a true friend never breaks a promise. You see my dilemma. Help.

Edith Zephenstien Belgrade

Dear Edith,

First of all, you might want to get your glasses checked. It sounds like you've been mistaking someone's leftovers stored in a Glad Handi-Bag with your colostomy pouch. Remember, a new colostomy bag should be empty before you hook it up to the ol' drain pipe. Now, concerning your friends, I'd go ahead and kill them. You're correct in saying that a true friend never breaks a promise, and as far as Dr. Grim is concerned, it warrants the ultimate penalty. Don't' worry about the consequences. There's' no jury in the land that will convict an old broad with a colostomy bag. But before you deliver your vigilante justice you might want to check out Dr. Grim's Guide to Lethal Combat for Golden Agers (Oxford University Press, 1997). And while you're at it, why don't you give up Bridge and take up a hobby that attracts a better class of person, like cockfighting or blind dwarf tossing.

Dear Dr. Grim,

I have been in and out of numerous relationships for many years. I think that I'm ready to settle down with the girl of my dreams. Tell me, is there an ideal woman?

Soon-To-Be-A-One-Woman-Man in Manitoba

Dear Soon-To-Be,

Of course! The ideal woman is an orphaned mute nymphomaniac: no mother, no talking, no inhibitions. Now that's what I call a hat trick!

Dear Dr. Grim,

Am I dreaming or was that James Brown filling in for Luciano Pavrotti at last Friday's performance of Aida at the Metropolitan Opera in New York?

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Dear Perplexed,

You are very observant. That was indeed the Godfather of Soul performing the role of Rhadames at the Met. Don't miss this Saturday when Willie Nelson steps into the title role of Mozart's Don Giovanni..uhhhh..make that Joe Don Giovanni.

Dr. Grim is a certified therapist and world-renowned expert who is affiliated with the Woody Hayes Center for Conflict Resolution of Columbus, Ohio. Dr. Grim wants to help you with all of your problems. C’mon, you know you need help. Don’t be bashful. Send your questions to Dr. Grim at AskDrGrim@juno.com.

Do not miss previous month's list of problem solvers by Dr Grim

July 2002

June 2002