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Now that Dear Abby and Ann Landers have gone on to eternal syndication, who is there to answer all of our questions? Don’t despair. If you need help don’t ask Heloise or be so rude as to bother Miss Manners, and you don’t need to seek the advice of the Playboy Advisor. From now on, all you need to do is

July 31, 2002

Dear Dr. Grim,

I’m a 25-year old male in good health. My girlfriend is 23 years old and is similarly in good health. How many times a day should we be having sex, I mean, is there an average number of times? I’m just curious to see if we’re keeping up with the Joneses.

Curious in Chillicothe, Ohio

Dear Curious,

I know your next door neighbors, the Joneses, and Jesus, I mean, Tom must weigh what, like 400 pounds? If you and your girlfriend can’t keep up with that blue whale you’d better make an appointment with the mortician for a coffin fitting. No, seriously, given your ages and the fact that you come from the southern part of Central Ohio, eastern time zone, are in good health, are both Geminis….hmmmmm…let’s see…I’d say somewhere in the vicinity of 12 to 15 times a day would be a good average. If your girlfriend thinks that’s too high just remind her that most women are not particularly good at math.

Dear Dr. Grim,

I have $75 to invest. How can I turn this into a $100,000 profit?

Moneybags in Montana

Dear Moneybags,

Unless you’re Hillary Clinton, I’d stick with the Montana Super-Lotto.

Dear Dr. Grim,

It’s a dangerous world out there. You never know what might happen. My motto is "knowledge is power." So how about it? Just how do you defuse a hydrogen bomb?

Boomer from Baltimore

Dear Boomer,

You’re so right. It always pays to be prepared. For starters, you’ll want to check out Dr. Grim’s Guide to Nuclear Proliferation, Oxford University Press, 2001. Now with your standard American-style 25-150 kiloton hydrogen bomb you should unscrew the cover over the detonation cap and look for the blue wire. There should be an on/off switch to the left. Turn the switch to the "off" position. Then snip the blue wire. That should do it in about 98% of cases. For the other 2% you’ll have to improvise or call the National Nuclear Bomb Defusion Hotline (1-800-NUK-STOP). They’ll walk you through it step by step. Just make sure to have a major credit card handy.

July 24, 2002

Dear Dr. Grim,

I am a 32-year old truck driver who has recently started dating a woman who is working on her Ph.D. in Comparative Literature at Ohio State University. Sometimes I don't know where this woman is coming from. Like the other night, we was watching Walker, Texas Ranger on TV and she starts to take off her clothes and then talks real dirty to me. When I tried to do something about it she said we couldn't have sex because she was unable to "rectify the cognitive dissonance between signifier and signified." I was kinda mad because I was pretty rectified myself by that time. Is it me or is something the matter with this broad?

Concerned in Columbus

Dear Concerned,

You're OK, but your girlfriend is a certified nutcase. From your description I'd say that she is a manic-depressive Structuralist, a bipolar disciple of the famous Swiss linguist Ferdinand de Saussure. By all means dump this woman immediately, change your locks and get an unlisted phone number. Maybe even move to Cincinnati for a while. Your life could be in danger. If you must date a woman with literary interests, make sure she is a New Critic. If she licks her lips lovingly when you say I.A. Richards or Cleanth Brooks you are probably safe. Before you have sex with this woman ask her if she wants to establish the "organic unity" of the work. If she says yes you are in store for a night of real passion. One word of warning: If in the course of making love she moans something about the "intentional fallacy" she is not referring to your manhood. Have a happy exegesis and keep in touch!

Dear Dr. Grim,

I have a nifty 1973 Ford Pinto that I just painted teal. It has a real boss stereo system featuring a Magnavox 8-track tape player. Let me tell you, with a set of wheels like this, the gals are all over me. Once thing, however, puzzles me. Recently I've had trouble finding 8-track tapes in stores. What gives?

Irritated in Iowa

Dear Irritated,

Boy you have me stumped. I've never had any trouble finding as many 8-track tapes as I want. But I live in the sophisticated eastern part of the Midwest whose denizens long ago realized the spectacular fidelity and ease of operation afforded by the 8-track system. Be sure to check out Dr. Grim’s Guide to Sound Systems [Professional Edition], Oxford University Press, 1999. It may just be that you'll have to take an Ozark or Frontier Airlines flight from Iowa to New York to do some shopping at the huge 8-track displays at Tower Records, HMV and the Virgin Megastore. If you get a chance to go East be sure and get the new Vicki Carr 8-track, the one where she sings in Spanish. It's a stone soul gas!

Dear Dr. Grim,

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. Lately the sex has been fantastic. When I mentioned this to her she said that when we are in bed she fantasizes that she is making love to you. Is this normal?

Confused in Chicago

Dear Confused in Chi-Town,

Relax. According to the recent survey conducted by the noted sexologists Deleuze and Guattari, 83.7% of all women between the ages of 18 and 55 fantasize about me during intercourse. Your girlfriend is perfectly normal. My advice to you is to sit back and enjoy the ride.

July 17, 2002

Dear Dr. Grim,

I have a very embarrassing problem and I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it. It’s my penis. It’s really enormous. I’ve never been able to sustain a relationship because women always get scared when they get a gander of my mega-Johnson. What can I do? Please help me. I’m at my wit’s end.

Heavily Hung in Hoboken

Dear Heavily Hung,

Don’t worry. You’re not alone. Interestingly enough, over 99.97% of all American male adults report that they suffer from ELPS (Extremely Large Penis Syndrome). Most cities have a chapter of "Living with an Anaconda," a support group for victims of ELPS. If I were you I’d start attending meetings. I think you’ll feel better about yourself when you meet others who are similarly afflicted with an extra link or two in the old sausage. You can start healing yourself, however, by taking a few steps towards regaining your self-esteem. First of all, be proud of your enormous penis. When you meet someone for the first time say, "Hi, I’m glad to meet you, and by the way, I have an enormous penis!" Secondly, get rid of all the people around you who give off negative energy, especially women. If a woman has difficulty dealing with your extra ten inches of man-meat, well, then, she's really not worth worrying about. Hang in there (no pun intended)!

Dear Dr. Grim,

Being a learned scholar and all of that good stuff, I was wondering if you know the source of the following Latin quotation: "Quo usque taudem abutere, Catilina, patientia nostra?"

Minnie Minimus from Minnetonka, Minnesota

Dear Minnie,

For many decades this was thought to be the opening line from Cicero’s 1st Oration Against Catiline; however, further research has now revealed that this is actually taken from the first draft of the screenplay of The Big Lebowski

Dear Dr. Grim,

I’m a research physicist at the University of Chicago’s Advanced Particle Accelerator Laboratory and I need some advice. Whenever we bombard strontium-98 for 3.7 seconds with a widely-diffused beam of gamma rays we find that we get a massive production of quarks rather than the neutrinos we expected. Theoretically, this shouldn’t be happening. Do you have any idea what we’re doing wrong?

Adam the Atom Smasher

Dear Adam,

Yeah, I sometimes have the same problem with my cyclotron. Sounds like a loose spark plug wire or maybe the timing’s off. Looks like it’s time for a trip to Precision Tune.

July 10, 2002

Dear Dr. Grim,

What is it with men who shave off their pubic hair?? I am a confirmed fan of the male anatomy, but I prefer a little parsley with my tube steak! Why is this such a popular aberration with presumably straight men?

Prefers It Natural

Dear Prefers It Natural,

The operative word here is "presumably." A real man would never allow any razor or other sharp object within a mile of his love bratwurst. It sounds like you’ve been going out with too many show-tune-listening, antique-collecting, interior-decorating poofters (not that there's anything wrong with that). Just remember what my great-grandfather used to say: "If a man ain’t hairy, he’s probably a fairy."

Dear Dr. Grim,

All this Arab terrorism has got me spooked. What can an average American guy like me do to protect himself and his family?

Joe Sixpack from Jersey

Dear Joe,

As a God-Fearing, red-blooded American you’ve got the best protection under the sun. It’s called the Second Amendment. Use it or lose it, my man. I’d start off with Uzis for you and the Missus. They’re compact, they get off a lot of rounds in a few seconds and they’re light enough and have so little recoil that they’re the perfect weapon for your little woman. Gloeck 9mm pistols are ideal for your kids. Just remember to tell Junior not to point it at anyone’s head. At Dr. Grim’s palatial estate I also have anti-personnel land mines in the front and back yards, and I keep a large array of M-16s and hand-held grenade launchers at the ready in the garage and rumpus rooms. Hey, if Abdul tries to tread on Dr. Grim he’s gonna get his stinky old Arab ass full of buckshot. For more tips on self-protection check out Dr. Grim’s Guide to Guerilla Warfare, Oxford, Revised Edition 2002. Semper Fi, Dude!

Dear Dr. Grim,

I’m a college freshman at Ohio Wesleyan University and I’m working on a term paper for my Introduction to Philosophy course. Could you please briefly explain to me Kant’s concept of the "categorical imperative."

Befuddled Battling Bishop

Dear Befuddled. Here’s the skinny on the concept of the categorical imperative. If you gotta go to the bathroom it’s categorically imperative that you do it before you pee your pants. Hope that helps.

July 3, 2002

Dear Dr. Grim,

I am a 41 year old man. When I was 18, I met and eventually married a very beautiful woman. We are still together and love each other very much. But now because of my genes and laziness, I am fat and ugly. However, my wife is still fabulously beautiful and actually improves year by year. I am afraid that she will lose all interest in me and have an affair with a twenty year old paver or roofer. What should I do?

Insecurely yours,

Chuck Steak Trail, B.C. Canada

Dear Chuck,

Don’t sweat it. Just keep that bank account of yours filled to the brim. Shucks, if the Elephant Man had been a millionaire he’d have had Anna Nicole Smith nibbling on his grossly distended earlobes and saying to everyone that "beauty is only skin deep." Of course, if you want to hedge all your bets check out Dr. Grim’s Illustrated Guide to the Kama Sutra, Oxford, 1999. Pay close attention to the chapter entitled "Hindu Hayride." The Missus will be begging for more of that Chuck Steak.

Dear Dr. Grim,

I recently inherited some money, not a lot, but more than my simple needs require. I’d like to give something back to the community, but instead of donating to the big charities like United Way or March of Dimes, I’d prefer to donate to lesser known, but worthy, organizations. Any suggestions?

Moneybags from Memphis

Dear Moneybags,

Here are some of my favorite charities that don’t get much publicity: Enemies of the New York Public Library—While many libraries have "friends" organizations that raise money for new books and periodicals, the NYPL is the only library in the world that has a volunteer organization dedicated to its destruction. Now you have a chance to get back at all those pesky librarians who kept telling you to be quiet during study halls. The Acid Polka Society—This dedicated band of music enthusiasts actively promotes "alternative" forms of polka: punk, ska, goth and Lithuanian freestyle. Habitat for Inhumanity—This worthy organization constructs housing for homeless sadists and indigent dominatrices. Women Who Love Men Who Love Women with Colitis—A support group for women with adulterous husbands who have mistresses with intestinal diseases.

Dear Dr. Grim,

You’re pretty tuned into what’s happening in Hollywood. Do you have any inside info about new movie releases for the forthcoming Christmas season?

Cinemaniac from Cincinnati

Dear Cinemaniac,

Here’s two Christmas releases you won’t want to miss: Scooby Doo II: Doin’ It Doggy Style and Friday the Thirteenth XIV: Jason Retires to Boca Raton.

Dr. Grim is a certified therapist and world-renowned expert who is affiliated with the Woody Hayes Center for Conflict Resolution of Columbus, Ohio. Dr. Grim wants to help you with all of your problems. C’mon, you know you need help. Don’t be bashful. Send your questions to Dr. Grim at AskDrGrim@juno.com.

Do not miss last month's list of problem solvers by Dr Grim

June 2002