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Now that Dear Abby and Ann Landers have gone on to eternal syndication, who is there to answer all of our questions? Don’t despair. If you need help don’t ask Heloise or be so rude as to bother Miss Manners, and you don’t need to seek the advice of the Playboy Advisor. From now on, all you need to do is

Dear Dr. Grim,

Do you believe in sex on the first date?

I eagerly await your answer.

Horny in Houston

Dear Horny,

Absolutely not! Dr. Grim has serious moral reservations about sex on the first date. It is better to have sex before the first date. There’s nothing worse than going out to dinner and then going home and having sex after a five-course gourmet meal. Having sex before the first date also avoids that awkward point during the date when the two of you try to figure out whether or not you should have sex. This way you’ve already done the deed and can relax and maximize the enjoyment of your dating experience.

Dear Dr. Grim,

I’ve been working on my Organic Chemistry homework for five hours and I’m stumped. Could you please identify the following formula: C18O7Nli2 + SN4(++H2)O2C6 ? N2C6+ Thanks in advance!

Mad Scientist from Manitoba

Dear Mad Scientist,

I can’t believe that you fell for the oldest trick question in Organic Chemistry. That’s not a formula; it’s the recipe for Moo Goo Gai Pan (Szechwan style).

Dear Dr. Grim,

I’m a sixteen-year old high school junior and my Dad and I are fixing up an old 1967 Rambler. I’ve got a three-part question for you: What weight oil do you recommend for a 1967 Rambler? What can I do to get rid of my acne? How can I bring about world peace? Thanks!

Zitfaced in Zanesville

Dear Zitfaced,

You’re in luck! Quaker State 5W35 oil is not only the recommended lubricant for a 1967 Rambler (see Dr. Grim’s Guide to Classic Autos Oxford, 1998), it also contains emoluments and astringents that make it an ideal cure for acne. And since 5W35 oil can only be produced from Alaskan crude, it takes money out of the hands of Middle East terrorists, thereby promoting world peace.

Dr. Grim wants to help you with all of your problems. C’mon, you know you need help. Don’t be bashful. Send your questions to Dr. Grim at AskDrGrim@juno.com.