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October
30th, 2002
Dear
Dr. Grim,
I'm
with the 103rd Airborne Division of the
Ohio National Guard ("The Screaming
Buckeyes")and we've just been mobilized
to go over and kick Saddam's butt back to
Kingdom Come. I've recently started to go
out with a wonderful woman, and it looks
real serious and we've promised each other
to stay faithful. It's not gonna be a problem
for me, cause all of those Arab girls are
uglier than than a buzzard with a bad case
of ringworm. But I'm worried about my girl.
Being one yourself, you know the incredible
sexual allure of Ohio men. Women just can't
resist us. I'm concerned that my girlfriend
might not be able to resist temptation.
What should I do?
Bedeviled
in Dayton
Dear
Bedeviled,
First
of all, happy hunting in Iraq. I hope you
bag a bunch of those sand sissies when the
shooting starts. Now, I wouldn't worry about
your girlfriend. A healthy relationship
is built on love, understanding, communication
and trust...and a chastity belt. Stainless
steel is the best, and I'd get one with
a combination lock. They have some nice
models on sale at Lazarus. Tell them Dr.
Grim sent you and they'll give you 10% off
the list price of any "Peace of Mind"
model.
Dear
Dr. Grim,
Frankly
I'm gettin' raht tarred of you'uns makin'
fun of us West Viriginians all the time.
You'uns make out like we wuz all stoopid
or sumpin'. I think you'uns are just usin'
sterophonictypes. Well, you and all yer
pointy-headed intellekshul types can just
go back to Communist Canada or wherever
you'uns come from.
Farley
T. Snyder
Chairman, West Virginia Anti-Defamacatory
Leeg
Dear
Farley,
Perhaps
I have been too rough on your fair state.
I also understand that whenever you travel
from Pennsylvania to West Virginia, the
average IQs of both states are raised.
Dear Dr. Grim,
Whatever
happened to Larry Storch, the actor who
played Corporal Agarn in "F Troop,"
the greatest series from the Golden Age
of Television?
The
Tacoma Trivia-Meister
Dear Tacoma,
After
a distinguished career as a Shakespearean
actor (Who can forget Larry Storch's Lear
at the Schubert Theater in 1978?), Larry
Storch completed his Ph.D. in neurobiology
in 1979 at The University of Chicago. Since
that time he's been associated with the
Mayo Clinic, where he is currently researching
methods of regenerating nerve tissue in
quadriplegics by utilizing polymer-enhanced
dicetroglucacide reagents. And he's also
been a regular on Hollywood Squares.
Important Announcement
At
the personal request of President Bush and
Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, Dr. Grim
will be parachuting into Iraq this weekend
where he will be leading a team of commandos
in sabotage, espionage and targeting activities.
For the present time, he will be unable
to continue his weekly advice column. However,
following in the footsteps of immortal war
correspondents like Ernest Hemingway and
Ernie Pyle, Dr. Grim will now be able to
provide up-to-the-minute reports on what
is really going on in the War on Terror.
So be on the lookout for the premiere of
DR. GRIM'S REPORT FROM THE FRONT.
October
16th, 2002
Dr.
Grim,
I
have just been fired from my coaching job
because these goddamn new age faggots who
call themselves parents think I'm too rough
on their pussy kids. Some of the "dads"
have gone so far as to say I don't know
shit about football! Everything I did was
what I went through when I played peewee
football. The drills were designed by my
dad, and they made a fucking man out of
you! Here are a few the pussys complained
about:
1.
Cup kick drill: Purpose: Get you use to
pain by knocking the sand out of your pussy.
Two players line up across from each other
10 yards apart. One player gets into a crab
walk position, while the other is in a 2
point stance. On the whistle the player
crab walks toward the kicker, the kicker
runs and kicks him in the cup.
2.
Cut throat: Purpose: Creating a turnover
by stopping the run and causing a fumble.
Players pair up on a designated line. One
player is designated Offense, the other
Defense. The Offensive player holds the
ball and closes his eyes. On the whistle
the defensive player punches the ball carrier
in the throat, and recovers the fumble.
3.
Wall drill Purpose: Show players consequences
of leading with the head on a tackle. Players
line up 20 yards from a wall. On movement
of ball, players sprint with their head
down and hit wall with top of the helmet.
Of
course there are others like the Ball Bat
drill, Milk and 3 laps, spine bender etc.
But all these new aged faggots want to cry
because somebody wants to make their little
ballerina into a man. They bitch about the
drills, bitch about the doctor bills, and
worse yet they say I have a filthy mouth.
I say Fuck those candy assed bastards, we
didn't win 4 straight state titles when
I was in High School because the coaches
drank latte's and said "please"
and "thank you"! What I need Dr.
Grim is a list of programs in Ohio that
need a real coach and a little pull from
you. Can you help?
Coach
W.H. III
Cleveland Ohio
Dear W.H.,
What
can I say? Like Al Pacino said in "Glengarry
Glen Ross": "It is not a man's
world any more." But all of us therapists
at the Woody Hayes Center for Conflict Resolution
are firmly committed to the great coach's
ideals, namely, that the only permanent
solutions to problems are violent solutions.
Therefore, I have prepared a list of high
schools in the GREAT BUCKEYE STATE OF OHIO
(state motto: "With God, All Things
Are Possible") that still adhere to
the way football should be played--on the
ground and wearing leather helmets. The
righteous high schools are the Bucyrus Ball
Busters, the Xenia Xenophobes, the Marietta
Maulers and the Upper Arlington Ass-Whuppers.
Keep the faith, and remember what the blessed
Saint Woody told us: "When you pass
the football only three things can happen,
and two of them are bad."
Dear
Dr. Grim,
I
know that you are pretty good with a computer.
I was wondering if you know of any programs
that can predict future events with a reasonable
degree of certainty. If so, my question
is this: Will the Red Sox ever win the World
Series?
Boston
Bean-Counter
Dear Beanie Boy,
My
homeboys at the National Security Administration
let me use their Cray Supercomputer for
an hour yesterday and I am happy to report
that the Red Sox will win the World Series
sometime between the years 2146 A.D. and
2153 A.D. Several conditions must be met
for this to happen:
(1) the team has to move to Tulsa, Oklahoma;
(2) pigs must fly; and (3) Hell must be
frozen over.
Dear Dr. Grim,
I
am a very active pool player. Some of my
friends say that billiards and snooker aren't
real sports. I think they're wrong. Where
do you weigh in on this debate?
South
Dakota "Slim"
Dear "Slim",
Billiards
is indeed a real sport. Anytime you can
play a game and rest a martini and a cigar
on the playing field, that's a real sport.
And remember, pool tables figure prominently
in many porno movies. You can't get more
manly than that, my friend.
October
9th, 2002
Dear
Dr. Grim,
I'm
a 22-year old female who's living out all
her wildest dreams. I've got a cool job
as a personal assistant to the 2nd unit
director of a major direct-to-video film
studio and now I'm dating a nice married
guy who's 55 and is a major player in Hollywood.
Everytime we go to dinner he always seems
to have forgotten his credit cards and I
end up having to pay with cash. I'm not
complaining, but he makes way more money
than I do. Don't you think that's a little
strange?
Helen
of Hollywood
Dear
Helen,
Not
at all. Your boyfriend knows that it's unwise
to run up major credit card debt. You keep
paying cash, honey, and you'll never have
to worry about those end-of-the-month American
Express Card blues. Sounds like you've got
a keeper there, Helen. Congratulations!
You go, girl!
Dear
Dr. Grim,
I'm
feeling really, really guilty. I'm a college
freshman and I paid a fellow student to
write my term paper for my Postmodern Deconstructive
Literary Criticism course. Should I fess
up, take my lumps and relieve my conscience,
or should I just keep quiet and let guilt
consume me like Raskolnikov in Crime and
Punishment?
Purloined
Paper Purchaser in Poughkeepsie
Dear
Purloined,
Hey,
haven't you been paying attention in class
at all? Man, the first rule of deconstructive
literary criticism is that there is NO AUTHOR!!!
How can you be guilty of plagiarism if there's
no author to begin with? Besides, I doubt
if your professor actually reads the crap
that's turned in anyway. And he probably
paid someone to write his dissertation as
well. So don't sweat it.
Dear
Dr. Grim,
I'm
curious. What kind of wheels does a world
famous advice columnist like yourself drive?
Just
Curious in Jackson Hole
Dear
Curious,
The
Doctor's preferred ride is the Special Forces
edition of the HUMVEE with rear-mounted
machine gun. It's got superb pickup, a smooth
ride and enough ordnance to make any Al
Qaeda terrorist think twice before disturbing
the Doctor's Sunday drive through the Ohio
countryside. If you're interested in checking
one out, go to Lugubrious Larry's House
of HUMVEEs in Laramie and tell him Dr. Grim
sent you. He'll give you 10% off the list
price.
October
2nd, 2002
Dear
Dr. Grim,
I've
been going out with a wonderful woman for
over six months now. The sex is great, she's
a wonderful cook and we both share a love
of demolition derbies and monster tractor
pulls. Everything's been going great. Then
last week Bertha (not her real name but
it's pretty close because it also starts
with B) started wanting to talk after we
do the "wild thang." She says
it's something about the "need to communicate."
What gives?
Perplexed
in Pittsburgh
Dear
Perplexed,
You
are in the most dangerous stage of a relationship.
Your girl has gotten you hooked on her porn
star-like sexual athleticism and now she's
feeding you all of the comfort food that
Mom used to make. Now she wants to "communicate."
"Communicate" is chick-speak for
negotiating under duress the terms of your
sentence-I mean-marriage. Communication
is the death knell of all healthy relationships.
Run before it's too late. Remember, there
are plenty of fish in the ocean. All you've
got to do is swim out beyond the 12-mile
limit.
Perplexed
in Pittsburgh's problem is extremely common,
so much so that Dr. Grim is pleased to announce
a series of workshops designed to encourage
healthy and wholesome relationships between
men and women.
Broken
Newz Productions
Proudly
Presents
Dr.
Grim's
"Less
Talkin', More Lovin'" ®
Relationship
Workshops
Learn
Dr. Grim's 10 Secrets to a Happy Relationship
by Preventing Communication.
Find
out why your soul mate may not be able to
speak your language.
If
this bed's a-rockin', who cares if we're
not a-talkin'!
Dr.
Grim, world-renowned expert affiliated with
the Woody Hayes Center for Conflict Resolution
of Columbus, Ohio and the author of It's
Just Talk: What Women Say Doesn't Matter
(Oxford University Press, 2002), will be
conducting these workshops along with a
start-studded cast of associate experts
all trained in the GRIM METHOD OF COMMUNICATION
PREVENTION.
Featured
speakers will include novelist Philip Roth,
former British Prime Minister Lady Margaret
Thatcher, South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond,
former NFL star Rosey Grier and singer Toni
Tenille.
These
all-day workshops will sell out quickly,
so get your reservations right away. No
discounts for couples. A healthy relationship
is centered on individual needs.
Tour
Itinerary
Monday,
November 4 Columbus, Ohio Vets Memorial
Auditorium 10am-6pm
Tuesday,
November 5 Cleveland, Ohio Jacobs Field
10am-6pm
Wednesday,
November 6 Chicago, Illinois Comiskey Park
10am-6pm
Thursday,
November 7 New Orleans, Louisiana Superdome
9am-5:30pm
(note time change)
Friday,
November 8 Pittsburgh, PA Three Rivers Stadium
10am-6pm
Saturday,
November 9 New York, NY Madison Square Garden
10am-6pm
Register Early-Register before October 15
and get a 10% reduction off the already
low $250 all-inclusive workshop fee. That's
right. Eight continuous hours of Dr. Grim's
relationship wisdom for only $225!!!!!!!!!
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Detach
and Mail with Payment
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Yes,
Dr. Grim. I want to learn how to strengthen
my relationship by preventing all unnecessary
communication. Here's my $225.
Participants
may pay by check, money order or major credit
card.
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Happy Valley, Ohio 43433
Dr.
Grim is a certified therapist and world-renowned
expert who is affiliated with the Woody
Hayes Center for Conflict Resolution of
Columbus, Ohio. Dr. Grim wants to help you
with all of your problems. C’mon, you know
you need help. Don’t be bashful. Send your
questions to Dr
Grim.
Do
not miss previous month's list of problem
solvers by Dr Grim
September
2002
August
2002
July
2002
June
2002
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