Joe the Peacock: how's it going?

Chris Hardwick: Delightful. How are you?

JtP: I'm not too bad... Not nearly caffeinated enough.

Hardwick: You can fix that.

JtP: Indeed. The power is mine. In fact, I have the solution brewing as we speak.

Hardwick: You could just concentrate really hard to make your heart beat faster.

JtP: That won't work. My body hasn't really ever been responsive to what I tell it to do. I say "Hey, face! Get attractive! Something like Brad Pitt, so my wife will love me." But does my face listen? NO…

Hardwick: Why's your face gotta be all cunty like that?

JtP: I dunno. I'd punch it to teach it a lesson, but...

Hardwick: Yah, that wouldn't work…

JtP: Okay, so anyway - You recently had the opportunity to work with an actor whom I admire very, very much. I've seen all his films and own the extended versions of all his DVDs, and I want to know how it was for you to work with such a high caliber of gentleman. I'm talking, of course, about Lil' Bow Wow.

Hardwick: (laughs) I thought you meant David Niven.

JtP: What?? That guy's a hack compared to Bow Wow! No, seriously, tell me about your role in the upcoming film, Johnson Family Vacation.

Hardwick: I play a fire investigator. I only have a few lines, but I think America will find that I wrap up the Cedric foibles quite nicely, and succinctly. Truthfully, I have no idea if I'll even make the final cut. I suppose it's a cameo, if by that you mean that I'm only in it for a scene and I'm sure the rest of the cast has no idea who I am. That kind of cameo.

JtP: Eew. Bad line of questioning for me.

Hardwick: No, it's my fault for not being in the film more, or being more famous.

JtP: No way! Everyone I knew loved watching you on Singled Out. In fact, my sister had a MASSIVE crush on you.

Hardwick: THAT we will DEFINITELY talk about later.

JtP: Well, that brings me to a question I have to ask on her behalf, to complete your role of "Renaissance Man" in her eyes - do you play D&D? Or any tabletop role-playing game?

Hardwick: yes. I do have a D&D group. It's all comics and the like. I shouldn't name names. Names like, Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn.

JtP: WOAH. Dude, you play D&D with Patton Oswalt?

Hardwick: yes. His character was just cut in half.

JtP: What's your main?

Hardwick: Blavedane, a Wizard. Named somewhat after David Blane, but I mixed the name up because David Blane is a cunt.

JtP: what level?

Hardwick: 4th, almost 5th. Patton was also a wizard. "Mahvin Flavin." Now in two distinct wizard pieces, and Posehn's a ninja. I hope they don't mind my sharing. I personally do see any need to hide it.

JtP: I doubt very highly that they mind. Besides, I think Patton has a greater concern, getting his two pieces to a healer so it can cast "Dunkin Hines" and mush his pieces back together. You know, like those brownie commercials from when we were a kid.

Hardwick: Well, our healer also died. Killed by the hammer of an avatar of Thor.

JtP: Wait, hold on - you have Nordic gods in your gameset? What's a ninja going to do against THOR?

Hardwick: such is the way of the wizard. But if you can stay alive long enough, you get to fuck people up. Much like the entertainment biz.

JtP: Except that D&D isn't NEARLY as fake as the entertainment biz.

Hardwick: Yeah. With D&D, at least you have to earn stuff. (laughs) You know, as I type words like "wizard" "avatar" and "Thor" I can almost hear the vaginas moistening in the seats of America's office chairs.

JtP: Oh, yes, my friend. Comic books and D&D get the ladies WILD.

Hardwick: Right…

JtP: Did you know that you share a name with what is apparently the God of Rubik's Cube?

Hardwick: I know. I've seen video of the kid solving a cube in 35 seconds with one hand. ladies????

JtP: I don't think they'd be interested. That type of dexterity is achieved by only a certain type of person.

Hardwick: Erno Rubik would be proud.

JtP: But his parents' probably wouldn't.

Hardwick: Not if they're hoping for grandchildren.

JtP: Indeed. So, if I can grind gears while trying to shift here, why did Shipmates get cancelled?

Hardwick: Oh, I don't know. It ran for two years. It was an expensive show to do. And I was told we had assy timeslots in a lot of the country. So, in New York, for instance, we beat Letterman and Leno, but in some markets we were on at four in the morning on a station that only ran old movies. So our average numbers were just okay. That's what I was told, anyway.

JtP: yah, I don't think places like Omaha really understood the whole "love on a boat" thing

Hardwick: maybe it just sucked. A show with a lot of contestants who were bartenders from South Beach that migrated from Jersey. And with nothing whatsoever to prove, of course.

JtP: Oh, of course not. Especially not on national television.

Hardwick: I shouldn't complain, though. Truly, Shipmates was one of the best jobs I've ever had. My commitment was minimal and they let me say what I wanted. And I got to move to New York for about five months. Although, that was sort of unplanned.

JtP: Good food?

Hardwick: not so much on the food.

JtP: Jane White Is Sick & Twisted. This is a freakin' AWESOME movie.

Hardwick: Thanks!

JtP: it was wild - a friend of mine handed me the DVD about 3 months ago and said "Dude, you GOTTA see this." I have no clue why this movie isn't being quoted on every message board on every website ever.

Hardwick: Nettastic!

JtP: Indeed.

Hardwick: That movie was fun. Guerilla style filmmaking. Everything was one or two takes.

JtP: If I ever meet Colin Mochery, I'll have to ask him what it was like to work with you.

Hardwick: He and I never worked on the same days.

JtP: Really? So it's not like one big club for a few months? I've always been under the impression that everyone in a movie shows up and just does what they need to do, then eats a bunch of sandwiches.

Hardwick: It all boils down to locations. I shot mostly at David Latt's parents' house. (David directed the film), and Colin shot in a motel, I think. David was good at not keeping actors around when they weren't needed. Not everyone is like that. Sometimes they like having you around just in case they need you, and you end up sitting around all day.

JtP: Well, at least you get to eat good food while you're there. My father always said "It's not a waste of time if they feed you."

Hardwick: My father was a professional bowler.

JtP: That I knew - and God, am I ever jealous. My dad's a beekeeper.

Hardwick: Is he immune to stings in a way the lay person would not be?

JtP: Not really... However, he's much more immune to local pollens and such, so he doesn't have any allergies. Due to eating the honey.

Hardwick: Sweet sweet bee spit.

JtP: Yah. Who knew bee spit could be so helpful?

Hardwick: Native Americans.

JtP: oh. Um… yeah, I guess they did. Anyway, was this tough growing up? Like on "Bring your dad to school day"

Hardwick: I don't think we ever had that.

JtP: Oh. Well, did the other kids know your dad was a pro bowler?

Hardwick: Yes, but as cool as that was, it didn't stop them from stuffing me in a trash can.

JtP: Let's move into the MTV days. Your first show, Trashed - that was the most amazing show ever.

Hardwick: yes, Trashed. I liked that show.

JtP: It was so brilliant - lose, and your stuff gets trashed. How painful was it to sit there and watch as these peoples' worldly goods were thrashed about?

Hardwick: Well, there's a back story... We got a lot of already broken stuff...

JtP: Hold on - I actually saw people crying and going crazy over what was supposedly their most prized stereo being smashed to bits! Are you telling me... That this TV show... was FAKE? My GOD!

Hardwick: Oh, no. it was real. Game shows can't be faked - it's more illegal than selling drugs. Wait, that didn't make sense…

JtP: Well, how could the stuff already be broken but the show wasn't fake?

Hardwick: Well, we didn't provide the items to be smashed, the contestants did - mostly TV's. Nintendos, electronic equipment and such. But since we had recently had a big earthquake, almost all of it was broken already - the people just used it to get on the show. So it was their stuff, it just didn't work anymore.

JtP: Aww, MAN. What a rip!

Hardwick: You know, there were a lot of things going against that show. I'm surprised it ever made it on the air. First, the executive at MTV who was behind the show in the beginning left during development. Then, MTV launched an anti-violence campaign after those kids burned down their trailer after Beavis & Butthead. But I had no idea at the time. It wasn't until we got MTV's kiss of death - they make the show hard to find. One week it's on at 7:30, the next at 4am. Then, (throat slitting motion)

JtP: But leave it to them to make sure that Eric on The Grind was on the same Bat Time, same Bat Channel…

Hardwick: He was way hunkier than me.

JtP: Eh, his head was made of Hormel Potted Beef.

Hardwick: You know, MTV tried so hard to hip me up. Boy was the joke on THEM…

JtP: Come on, you were hip. You had this type of Geek Asthetic going on, long before it was cool in the late 90's.

Hardwick: That was not on purpose. That was grunge's heyday of oversized layers of gas station clothes and flannel. Thanks a fuckload, Seattle! (laughs) They changed my look every season and could never make it stick. I had no identity on that show.

JtP: You were the funny guy. That was enough of an identity to make my sister lust after you.

Hardwick: Nah, I was just a dorky white guy slamming frat guys and making references to 70's television. (laughs) Besides, vagina trumps comedy EVERY DAY. And I hadn't found a voice yet. I was trying too hard to be funny.

JtP: You were with MTV during what I would consider their heyday for original shows. There was some pretty remarkable stuff out there then. But now, everything sucks. What the HELL happened?

Hardwick: I don't know. Actually, wasn't the heyday in the eighties?

JtP: For music videos, sure…

Hardwick: Come on. 'Remote Control,' 'Kevin Seal: Sportin' Fool'… 'The Young Ones' - which wasn't original, but God bless them for running it. That was the heyday.

JtP: Well, the 90's had Liquid Television, Ren and Stimpy, Beavis and Butthead, Singled Out, etc. Fantastic stuff! Okay, so maybe not their heyday, but there was some great stuff out then.

Hardwick: Beavis and Butthead. MTV had a hilarious take on them...

JtP: Oh? what was that?

Hardwick: They would tell me I couldn't say or make reference to something that was much tamer than anything on that show... And when I would say, "Yes, but last night, Beavis basically jerked off," their response was, "...But they're animated." So, I guess even though they represented jerking off, it was less real. I guess what I'm really saying is, I want to jerk off on television.

JtP: (laughs) So, how much control did you have over the writing of the shows? Couldn't you have written that in?

Hardwick: (laughs) I wasn't scripted. The show was just my reacting to people. We would write intros and outtros, and for a season and a half we were throwing sketches in the middle of the show, and then cold opens and closes, until we were reminded by MTV that we were not a sketch show.

JtP: Did you ever make a comment during filming and they'd be like, "Woah, hold up - that was too much. Try again."

Hardwick: Absolutely. One particularly delightful stop-tape happened because I made a comment about a round 2 question, where the few remaining guys simulated pissing in urinals while reciting something or other.

JtP: (laughs) What'd you say?

Hardwick: They told me not to make reference to it, which didn't make a ton of sense. I guess their point was that we were pushing it anyway, so not to go too far... I don't remember. I was always trying to amuse myself by trying to make vagina references slide by. "Jerry Mathers", "Oregon State University"… I was just a dorky kid. Whatever it was they were mad at, it probably wasn't very funny, anyway.

JtP: your shows, especially singled out, dealt a lot with the instant reactions of the "Single" person finding a mate - when that sort of thing happened and they went to reshoot, this person basically had to act all surprised and excited, all over again?

Hardwick: Oh yes. All the time.

JtP: You think you'll ever work with MTV again?

Hardwick: (laughs) I'm too old for MTV now. "There is no sanctuary..." (laughs) Apparently, they've run the "MTV of the mid nineties" and sort of omitted me. Or at least that's what I was told. Someone I know saw it and said it was creepy, like a propaganda film, like I never existed. But I have not seen it, so...

JtP: I have seen it. When they do the part about Singled Out, they focus entirely on Jenny McCarthy. you can hear your voice for maybe one tenth of one second.

Hardwick: Yah, that's not surprising. But, truthfully, I don't think it's the worst thing, you know, not being too heavily associated with that MTV subculture. I never popped on that channel. I never fit the right image. I didn't know myself or what my voice was.

JtP: You gotta write a book. Like Wil Wheaton did.

Hardwick: I fucking should. I know stuff about MTV that would never put in their specials about "the stuff MTV doesn't want you to know." Oh, Wil was my roommate. Did you know that?

JtP: No! Really? Where, when? God, I'm a terrible interviewer. I do NO research whatsoever.

Hardwick: Yup. We've been friends since we were teenagers.

Hardwick: I was going to UCLA, and Wil still lived at home, so he moved in with me in Westwood for a couple of years. We still talk.

JtP: Wheaton's a neat guy. I'm supposedly interviewing him sometime soon.

Hardwick: Ask Wil about the time I drunkenly grabbed his face after his wisdom teeth got removed.

JtP: (laughs) Will do, no pun intended. Provided I get to interview him! But right now, I'm interviewing you, and I want to ask you about the live shows you're doing.

Hardwick: Yup. Most nights of the week.

JtP: How are those going?

Hardwick: Great. I'm having fun… Most of the time. I do rooms with people I like and respect.

JtP: Where can we catch you and when?

Hardwick: I have some shows listed on my website, www.chrishardwick.com/live

JtP: Tell me about the upcoming Chris Hardwick comedy album.

Hardwick: it should be mostly stand-up, some music. My best friend Mike Phirman and I have been performing together as "Hard & Phirm" since college. The idea I had was to do kind of a concept album, where there would be five to seven minutes of stand-up, and something in the stand-up would tangent into a song, which would spin into a sketch and back into stand-up.

Hardwick: May not work, I don't know. I guess that's why you try shit.

JtP: So what else is on the Hardwick Radar?

Hardwick: Stuff. There's stuff.

JtP: Excellent! That's all the time we have for today... (laughs) I kid, I kid. What stuff?

Hardwick: I've mainly been focusing on the comedy album, which means writing and recording and doing stand-up to workshop the material. I'm hoping to record the album live at the m bar in april or may. I'm also trying to sell a stand-up comedy game show called "joke machine".

JtP: What's the premise on that one?

Hardwick: On joke machine, comics are given the same premises to write about, and then they perform them in one minute blocks, and then they insult each other for more points. It sounds assy to explain it, but it's a terrific show. We've been doing it live for three years.

JtP: I'd love to be on that show, only I'd probably make someone cry. Not with my acerbic wit, mind you. I take garlic pills.

Hardwick: Well at least you're healthy.

JtP: And vampire-free, since 92.

Hardwick: 1592, that is.

JtP: (laughs) You know, my father told me that the VA (Veteran's Affairs) was Vampires Anonymous. I believed that for like 4 years.

Hardwick: You joke, but they need a support group, just like any other addict.

JtP: Oh, I'm not joking! I didn't find out until one day, my mom was going to go play bingo with some of the patients at the VA and I was like, "MOM! No! They'll suck your blood!"

Hardwick: Did they anyway?

JtP: They all have dentures. She had some slobber and gum marks, but that was about it.

Hardwick: Hey, dentures can be deadly.

JtP: if I ever have to get dentures, I'm going to get some like shark teeth. Rows and rows of pointy serrated mandibles. They'll make thanksgiving much much much more efficient.

Hardwick: I'm opting for the more peaceful baleen dentures. I'll filter krill through my fake teeth. But since you mentioned addiction…

JtP: Yes. Your going sober is a pretty big deal. When did that happen?

Hardwick: Almost five months ago.

JtP: what was the catalyst?

Hardwick: I realized I was blaming other people for things and not taking responsibility for, well, anything really.

JtP: so what's changed since you dried up?

Hardwick: Oh wow - I can think and remember things. I lost 20 pounds. I sleep. I like to let people know, just in case they knew me as the heavy drinker that I was, that I'm not the same douche sack. I have all new sober douche sackery.

JtP: If you don't mind, I'd like to ask about those times when you were drinking. What was life like before sobriety?

Hardwick: Pretty drinky, I guess. Drinking becomes your fucking job. It made me puffy and aged me. I've seen people talk about it on the internet. They must really have free time. I'm not that famous.

JtP: What would you say was the reason - if there's a primary one - that you started drinking as heavily as you did?

Hardwick: Well, It's a progressive disease. You don't realize it's happening. If you were logical you would. It's not logical to drink 16 beers a night, but somehow you justify it. The interesting thing is learning how to deal with emotions: good/bad, anything extreme… It was about avoidance for me, among other things. Not having to deal with the responsibility of feeling too much. Insecurity, sadness, joy.

JtP: So it was a way to escape?

Hardwick: That, and also, it's about control. Like an eating disorder.

JtP: What do you mean by that?

Hardwick: You can control what you put into your body, and that's how you punish yourself. You knowingly punish yourself. But, you don't have to. It's important to realize that. It's important to like yourself and forgive the stupid mistakes and be grateful for small victories.

JtP: So what happened the day you decided to put it down and walk away from it? What made you realize that it was time to stop punishing yourself?

Hardwick: I had thought about it for months. and my relationship had deteriorated.

JtP: Relationship with whom, if you don't mind my asking?

Hardwick: My girlfriend at the time. Someone said to me, "why don't you just stop now." and it made sense, finally. And another comic whom I respect told me all the ridiculous thought processes he had while drinking and I realized that all my shit wasn't that special. It was the product of alcohol.

JtP: Was it hard to drop? Or was it like a hot brick you didn't realize you were holding, and once it was gone, you didn't want to go back?

Hardwick: I'll go with the hot brick.

JtP: How do you feel about alcohol and drinking now? Are you an anti-alcohol person, or is it one of those "it's just not for me" kinds of things?

Hardwick: I miss a beer now and then, but I know that it would never be just one. if you ever say to yourself, "I wish I could just have a few now and then and not care," you probably shouldn't do it at all. but that may not be right for me to say. It's not for me. Some people can handle it. I'm around it all the time, but I don't care. Now drunk people look ridiculous. They think they're smarter, funnier, like I did, but we're wrong. I don't want to sound preachy. I should just say that I can't do it anymore. (chuckles) I'm Chris Hardwick, and that's one to grow on.

JtP: (laughs) I remember those old shorts. They creeped me out. "I WANT THE BALL!"

Hardwick: (laughs) Especially when the two kids morphed into one big mass. That was weird.

JtP: Is there anything you want to say to someone out there who's maybe on the brink?

Hardwick: all I can say is that it was worth it for me. but drinking or not drinking isn't the answer, it's a symptom. Figure out why you do it and work on that, I guess.

JtP: It's impossible for someone to change until they realize they want or need to.

Hardwick: Absolutely. Hopefully it happens before the courts step in or someone dies. And not to sound corny, but it can be done. The one day at a time stuff works. Woah, isn't this a weird turn? Weren't we just talking about elderly vampires?

JtP: (laughs) Elderly anonymous vampires. "I was a hard user. AB, O pos... I even hit the B for chrissake... anything to make me feel.... alive...."

Hardwick: (laughs) Yah, exactly.

JtP: Well, Chris, this interview has reached the end. You have been incredibly wonderful and have refrained from hitting me the entire time. Thanks so very much for your time and for giving us insight into your world.

Hardwick: No problem. I enjoyed it.

JtP: Any last words?

Hardwick: Just tell people that despite my resume of mediocrity, I am somewhat funny.

And he is. If you are interested in learning more about Chris Hardwick (and you should be), visit his site at chrishardwick.com