The United States Army defended today the position that the dozens of Iraqi's killed in an attack were not civilians at a wedding and were, in fact, "Bad guys."
"I can't make it any clearer," said Mstr. Sgt. Joe Pentangelo. "We are the GOOD guys. Good guys don't bomb civilians. So that proves it, we couldn't have made a mistake."
"Our bombs are SMART bombs," added PFC Michael Morano. "SMART bombs know the difference between guerillas and wedding guests. Guerillas are BAD guys and wedding guests are GOOD guys. And those SMART bombs killed all those people, So obviously, the people who died were BAD guys." He then hung his tongue out of the side of his mouth, crossed his eyes, and said "DUH!"
The reaction has remained the same all the way up the chain of command. All concerned agreed that, since we are at war with "BAD Guys", a casualty is proof that the person who died was, indeed bad. "It's simple logic," said Wesley Dobbs, Strategic Commander. "If we, the U.S. Army, are the GOOD guys, and it's in the "Good Guy Charter" that we only kill BAD guys, then those people had to have been guerillas." When the recent torture of prisoners at Abu Garib prison was brought up as an example of the blurring line between the relativeness of good versus bad, Dobbs replied, "Well, they were in prison, so obviously, they were bad. Besides, that's all in the past. Quit living in the past, focus on the NOW."
"I think we're missing the more important point here," responded President Bush at a press conference this afternoon. "Irregardless of the inproprieterness of this situation, we must ask ourselves, 'If this was, indeed, a wedding, then why were we not invited?' Sure, there was a lot of smoke, but after the fires died down, our boys checked the bodies - and there was no wedding gown or tuxedos. That alone is proof of the hineyness of these Guerillas in the Mist."
