“Jesus, am I getting tired of this crap,” said Rowling at her 298-room London estate in the fashionable Mayfair section. “I’m richer than Croesus and I just wanna sit back and have orgies for the rest of my life. But everywhere I go all of these little snot-nosed brats come up to me and want to know if Harry and Hermione are going to fall in love. Or they want to know what an obelisk looks like. Or, was Hagrid’s mother related to Sirius Black. Hell, I just write this crap; I don’t sit around and analyze it. Who can remember this stuff? Truth be told, I just cadge all the stuff from the Brothers Grimm and the Cliff Notes of Beowulf and Faust.”

Ms. Rowling then told this reporter that the seventh and final Harry Potter novel will be titled “Hermione Does Hogwarts.” “Yeah, it’s a novel that should attract a more adult audience,” said Rowling. “Hermione is the focus of the last novel. She’s blossoming as a real bitch witch, and frankly, she’s a little tired of Harry and his little wand, if you catch my drift. So, Hermione is gonna move in with Hagrid and see if it’s true what they say about giants. And she’s gonna explore her sexuality. It’s gonna be polymorphous perversity time at Hogwarts. Hermione is gonna see action in all four houses, especially Slytherin. And don’t be surprised if there’s some hot girl-on-girl action with that Wang Chung or whatever the hell her name is, that chick that Harry has been bangin’.