Harare, Zimbabwe - Teresa Heinz, the widow of the late Senator John Heinz and current wife of Democrat presidential contender John Kerry, said today that she is divorcing Senator Kerry and will marry Robert Mugabe, the Marxist dictator of the African nation of Zimbabwe.
“I’ve slept with two white-bread Senators and now I want a little more exotic action,” said Ms. Heinz during a morning press conference. “Look, I made a lotta dough from Husband No. 1, but No. 2 is just a gigolo, and frankly I’m getting tired of shelling out the geld for a gelding, if you catch my drift. I’ve got needs and I hate waiting around for the Viagra to work its magic.”
Ms. Heinz also said that she looks forward to helping her future husband complete his vision for a kinder, gentler Zimbabwe, and that she plans to become heavily involved with the day-to-day looting, raping and torture of Zimbabwe society. “I intend to be a hands-on First Lady of Zimbabwe,” said Ms. Heinz. “Just like Lady Macbeth.”
