New York - Jet-setters and disco ravers are becoming more health conscious, according to an article being published tomorrow in The New England Journal of Medicine. In an article entitled “Low-Carb Alternatives to Controlled Substances,” Dr. Mary Anne Pettigrew of the Mayo Clinic says that low-carb cocaine is becoming the “drug of choice” among America’s trust fund set.
“Low-carb cocaine gives all of the narcotic effects of traditional high-carb cocaine, but it doesn’t cause an increase in hunger or promote water retention,” said Dr. Pettigrew during a press conference this morning. “That’s important especially for young girls who want to be thin and beautiful like Paris Hilton. And the brain-retarding chemicals in low-carb cocaine also ensure that not only will young girls be as thin as Paris, but as stupid as well.”
In related news, Oreo Cookies says that it will seek a court injunction to prevent the government of Colombia from introducing low-carb marijuana on the illegal drug market in June.
