Pasadena, CA - Democrat presidential candidate, John F. “Frenchy” Kerry, says that if he is elected he will make American membership in the European Union a top priority of his administration.

“America needs to follow the European example,” said Kerry during a speech to the annual meeting of the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers in Pasadena. “Europe leads the United States in unemployment, exorbitant taxes, bad service and economic stagnation. Additionally, Europe’s socialized medical system has solved the problem of caring for the elderly by putting them in un-airconditioned apartments during summer heat waves.”

Kerry went on to say that he also plans to have the United States withdraw from NATO and to have the country’s military placed under the command of the United Nations. “Look at what a great job the UN has done in Rwanda and Kosovo,” Kerry said. “Not to mention the Oil-for-Food Program in Iraq that did so much to alleviate the suffering of the top members of the Ba’ath Party whose Swiss bank accounts were damaged during the Gulf War in 1991.”