“I think back fondly,” reminisced Kerry, “to a time when being a tree was a safe way to go through life. Birds would nest comfortably upon my brow. My leaves would turn beautiful shades of gold and bronze and plum. The forest, my home, was a happy place.”

Speaking at a fund-raiser in Portland, Kerry talked about the prejudices “big business” has against organic matter, specifically, trees such as himself.

“When the loggers came back in ’63, I was but a teenager, just barely making rings,” said Kerry. “I lost some very dear family members who were sawed to death and put through humiliating ‘competitions’ to see how quickly a lumberjack could shimmy up their dead, rotting trunks. All the while, President Bush was ‘serving’ in the Air National Guard, and I was aging prematurely.”

Luncheon attendees sobbed as Kerry went on to recollect the loss of plant life to the Tennessee Valley Authority project during World War II, and the great Yellowstone forest fires of decades past.

“Ask anyone of my friends,” challenged Kerry, “and they’ll tell you where they were when they heard about Yellowstone. My goal is to prevent future ecological disasters, if you’ll give this wise old plant your vote.”

Kerry sported a fine green coat of silver maple leafs – a surprising nod to his promise of better relations with Canada – and a lovely “chocolate” bark with textured moss.

The most embarrassing moment came when a young lady asked the political candidate if he’d ever been “carved”. Laughter erupted as Kerry responded, “Lady, my sap’s been tapped!”