Washington, DC - Broken Newz has secretly obtained a copy of former President Bill Clinton’s sworn testimony before the Congressional committee investigating the 9/11 terrorists attacks in which it appears that a problem with semantics led to the weak response in 2000 to the bombing of the USS Cole.
Senator Lugar: So, President Clinton, what options did the Joint Chiefs of Staff give to you concerning retaliatory response to the bombing of the USS Cole?
President Clinton: Waaall, one of them there fellers, shucks, don’t know which one it wuz, probably the guy from the Army, says to me, “Hey, why don’t we send over a bunch of hummers and shake up them ol’ A-rabs.” I thought to myownself, hummers, hell, boy, that there’s a great idea. So I got ol’ Monica to round up a bunch of her Tri-Delt sisters, and man, lemme tell ya, them gals can suck a bowlin’ ball through a straw, yassirree, and we sent ‘em over to the Middle East to try and calm them there A-rabs down. It wuz workin’ real fine and then that there George W. Bush stole the election and brought them golderned family values Bible crap into the White House and them A-rabs couldn’t get no mo’ hummers. That’s why they did them there 9/11 attacks. Sexual frustration, yassirreee. Hell, if’n I wuz getting’ it reg’lar and then someone pulled the plug I’d become a terrorist myownself.
Senator Lugar: Sir, is it possible that you confused the nickname for the Humvee military vehicle for a slang term referencing a sexual act which is illegal in my home state of Indiana?
President Clinton: Humvee, what in tarnation is a Humvee? Damn that Vince Foster. I wished I hadn’t of had him killed by the Russian Mafia. He always kept me up to snuff about stuff like that. Can’t get good help no mo’, yassirree, and that Madelaine Albright, ouch, damn, dumber’n dishwater and looks like Billy Barty in drag. But I gotta say one thing for Dubya, that there Condie Rice is one hot mamma, yassirree, boy. Say, y’all wouldn’t have Condie’s phone number on ya, would ya?
