Washington, DC - Matt Drudge, author of the Drudge Report website, has caused great consternation in the presidential campaign of Dennis Kucinich by reporting today that the Cleveland Plain Dealer has credible evidence that the diminutive sexually-ambiguous Democrat congressman has masturbated on more than one occasion.
According to Drudge, an intern in the Kucinich campaign went to reporters at The Plain Dealer two weeks ago and told them that it was very common for Congressman Kucinich to go into his office alone and lock the door and then several minutes later yell out “c’mon, that’s it,” “almost,” “oh, yeah, baby, that feels good.” The intern said that this would happen on the average of 12 to 15 times a day. Other sources within the Kucinich campaign have also reported that they have become suspicious because the campaign has been spending more on Kleenexes than on TV ads.
Psychologist Ruth Jambhala-Winbowski, author of “The Triumph of Onan: Self-Love in an Age of Anxiety,” said that serial masturbation is the norm rather than the exception. “Masturbation is an addictive habit,” said Dr. Jambhala-Winbowski. “And the solitary nature of the act promotes repetition. It doesn’t surprise me at all that Congressman Kucinich is up to 12-15 times a day. It’s not life threatening, but he clearly needs help. Either that or he’s going to have pretty bad eyesight and awfully hairy palms.”
Congressman Kucinich is supposed to make an official statement about these recent allegations at noon today, but his campaign said he might be a few minutes late in order to get rid of a little stress.
