Broken Newz caught up with Ali in the Afghan city of Kandahar, as he was contemplating the optimum structure of local commerce in a global economy, and the role that greater logistical decentralization would play in leveraging Afghanistan’s labor against the greater automation of India and Iran. “God is great!” said Ali, “God will grant us victory over the Zionists and the Great Satan America. Death to America! Death to Israel!”

“Last week I intended to spend a significant amount of time working with the Chamber of Commerce on a plan to lure some of the West’s high-tech manufacturing business to Kandahar” Ali said wistfully, “But I got sidetracked. Last week alone we stoned 3 adulterers, and I must have had a dozen women to cane for showing their ankles. How am I supposed to restore the flower of Islam to the entire world when I can’t walk 3 blocks without having to stop and flog some teenage chess fan?”

Ali, obviously despondent over his lack of progress in bringing Fundamentalist Islam to the West, reflected on the sorry state of art in Afghanistan. “I haven’t seen a new painting around here since we executed 4 artists in the UN soccer field back in 1993. Who would have thought that summary execution of dissidents would have such a chilling effect on expression?”

But the setbacks haven’t forced Ali to give up hope. He has a plan to overcome the adversity before him. “I will devote my body to the destruction of the hated Jews – the lapdogs of the Great Satan,” said Ali. “God willing, the edifices of the West will crumble, their crops burn, and storms of pestilence and destruction shall demonstrate God’s wrath for their iniquity. I must join the fight for victory over the evil forces of America, with poison gas, suicide bombings, biological agents, and other swords of God the Merciful and Just. Then I need to get the electricity back on.”