Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein confined himself to a six-foot-deep hole in the ground, fearing his reputation was ruined after a home video of his sexual liaison with hotel heiress Paris Hilton had been leaked.
“Did you see it?” the deposed dictator exclaimed as he was yanked out of his rat hole by coalition special forces. “Was it from that night after the VMAs? How did my penis look in night vision?”
Highly-placed sources within the Iraqi government told US officials that Hussein had become emotionally unhinged earlier this year when he heard Hilton had signed a deal with FOX for a reality sitcom.
“Great! That little hussy will be handing out tapes like a Blockbuster Video to get her name in the news,” he reportedly said. “Why couldn’t I have been a little more discreet and just banged Christina Aguilera?”
The affair, since confirmed by Hilton’s reps, marks the first dictator/blonde pseudo-star relationship since Fidel Castro's one-night stand with Anna Nicole Smith in 1997.
Coalition forces found Hussein cowering in a tiny crawl space under the floor of a farmhouse near his hometown of Tikrit. The fugitive dictator was being protected by a loyal longtime friend, since identified as A.C. Bin Cowlings, a former teammate of Hussein’s on the Iraqi futbol team.
Civilian administration L. Paul Bremer assembled journalists hours after the capture for a press conference. “Ladies and gentlemen…we got him.”
“Got who?” pondered the press corps.
“You know…him,” said Bremer.
“Bin Laden?” the press pondered.
“Uh…no…not him. HIM!” said Bremer, as a video screen came to life with footage of Hussein’s dirty, bearded face.
“Hagrid, the giant from ‘Harry Potter?’”
“No,” said Bremer, about as angry as he was a few months ago when he found out he’d be on the next flight to Iraq. “Saddam Hussein!”
“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh,” responded the media, “himmmmm.”
Meanwhile, Hussein was being de-bearded, deloused and debriefed. First and foremost, soldiers informed him that, in fact, his illicit sex romp with millionaire heiress Paris Hilton was still under lock-and-key.
“Rick Solomon? Who the Bagh-damn is Rick Solomon?” Hussein asked interrogators. “First, I get bombed out of my palace. Then Uday and Qusay get turned into Swiss cheese. And now, I don’t even get my John Holmes moment. Talk about your unlucky streaks…I better not head to the camel races any time soon!”
Millionaire heiress-turned-Ozzy-Osbourne-wanna-be Paris Hilton released this statement after word leaked of Hussein’s claims: “Like, ohmigod, I totally thought he was Burt Reynolds. Seriously, dude, he never said anything about running Iran or whatever. And yeah, there is a tape of me and him. But I hardly get any quality face time, and the whole time he keeps talking about where he’s going to hide his ‘weapon of mass eruption,’ whatever the hell that was supposed to mean.’”
