MEETEETSE, Wyoming—Reggie Valrappin was stunned Tuesday when his inside-joke headline regarding Michael Jackson’s arrest on sexual assault chargers failed to illicit a single chuckle from the Meeteetse Chronicle editorial staff.
The veteran newsman said his headline, “Wacko Jacko In Sexual Assault Jam,” was a direct reference to Jackson’s 1991 single “Jam” from the album Dangerous.
“Everyone else was going with the obvious stuff, like ‘Michael To Boy: Beat It’ or “MJ’s P.Y.T. (Prepubescent Young Thing),’” complained Valrappin. “I mean, any hack can write a headline like “Jacko: I Just Can’t Stop Touchin’ You.’ That’s not why they pay me $21,000 a year.”
Valrappin discovered, to his dismay, that his musical reference on the Page 3 story was all but ignored by co-workers.
“I thought he downplayed the seriousness of the crime,” said Pricilla Manchester, fashion editor. “Calling it a ‘jam’ makes it sound like Michael Jackson got into a fender-bender with the kid, instead of rear-ending him. Besides, Reggie always smells like eggs.”
Other editorial staff members offered constructive criticism.
“It sucked. Sucked hard,” said Roger Delia, a crime reporter for the Chronicle. “I would have tried rhyming the whole headline with ‘wacko,’ something like ‘Wacko Jacko Used To Be Blacko.’ But I’m not making $22,000 a year to write headlines, am I?’”
Toby Tollin, the shifty-eyed intern from the community college who spends several hours a day working on his fantasy football team when he’s not ogling the female ad reps, found the headline structure distracting. “I got to the end, and all I could think about was sexual
assault jam,” he said. “I imagine it would taste like a mixture of strawberries, cheap vodka and that glitter paint strippers wear.”
Valrappin said his real heartache came when he realized the depth of his own satirical inspiration.
“The song had a guest rap from Heavy D,” said Valrappin. “Heavy D…as in Heavy D and the Boys? Boys…Michael Jackson? Get it? Sometimes I’m in awe of my own abilities, like when the time this judge ruled that a cat could legally separate from its owners. The headline? ‘So It Was Written: Kitten Splittin.’ I mean, that was gold.”
Charles “Champagne” Robinson, the black gay delivery guy who has recently been trying to convince Chronicle receptionists that he’s really Beyonce Knowles, was underwhelmed by Valrappin’s choice of song reference.
“Why ‘Jam?’” It didn’t even reach No. 1,” he said. “But the video did have that succulent morsel of man named Michael Jordan. Mmmmmmm…Air Jordan. I’d take that flight, sister!”
Valrappin said he will continue to use music as an inspiration for his headlines, despite the poor reviews for his Michael Jackson work.
“I can’t let this break my stride. I can’t let it hold me down. Oh no…I’ve got to keep on movin’,” he said. “Besides, I’ve already called dibs on ‘Smooth Criminal’ if he’s convicted.”
