HOLLYWOOD – Government
officials have sent strong recommendation to the Recording Industry Association
of America to reconsider its members’ scheduled release of the star-studded
benefit single, “Hams Across Arabia”. The tune, composed through the
headline-grabbing collaboration of master songwriters Bernie Taupin, Elvis
Costello, and Paul Simon, features nearly fifty popular recording artists who
convened at Capital Records, Hollywood to contribute their talents.
“We are appealing to the RIAA
to step back for a moment and consider the message they are sending with this
song,” said Paul Bremer, Presidential Envoy to Iraq. “Although their intentions
are good, this may be counter-productive in the long run.”
The song, which clocks in at
4:35, describes the plight of impoverished Iraqis, Afghans, and Palestinians,
and features the refrain:
America, we
stand!
Remember
forgotten lands!
Feed them
with hearts so grand!
Send ‘em a
Christmas ham!
“We call upon prospering
America to turn their eyes upon the starving, oppressed children of the desert,”
begins a press release from Simon, “and then look at all the hogs we have in
places like Iowa and Nebraska, and then realize that this would be the perfect
gift to our hungry friends in the Middle East…”
The song proclaims:
When you’re
sitting ‘round your table
Remember this
lasting fable
No money you
can cable
Will shake
your “rich bas****” label!
So bring them
ham!
Let’s take
the easy stand!
It matters
not which brand!
Send ‘em a
Christmas ham!
Together
across that land
(Christmas ham!)
Feeding their
dreams so grand
(Christmas ham!)
Helping those
in a jam!
(Christmas ham!)
Aaaaaahhhhh
Christmas Ham!
The title, scheduled for a
December 1 release, has drawn praise from presidential candidate Howard Dean
(“just what those Iraqis need at a time like this”), as well as media gadfly Al
Franken (“a win for democracy!”) and national treasure Gore Vidal (“Bush
couldn’t dream of writing such a beautiful song”)
Others, however, are less
sanguine – almost downright pessimistic -- about Arab response to “Hams Across
Arabia”.
“Did anyone consider that these
people might want their ham cooked?” asks Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-MA). “I mean,
come on. What kind of … Islamist … eats raw ham? Not this one, I guarantee!”
“These people can’t afford a
compact disc,” criticized Theresa Blaine of The Village Voice. “How
unfair.”
Performer Moby, who lent his
immense talent to the effort, calls such comments “lame,” and “clearly intended
to exonerate the millions of Americans who let perfectly good and nutritious ham
go to waste.”
Celebrity outreach has
historically resulted in both rousing success (Live Aid, Farm Aid) and stunning
failure (NAMBLApalooza, Save the Lawyers). But international coordinator Bono
is not worried. “We have a duty to remember the lost, the poor, the
dismembered,” said the U2 frontman. “There is no excuse for celebrating
holidays when we have a war to stall.”
“This may not fly,” said former
White House Press Secretary Ari Fleisher. “The President likes a good ‘benefit’
tune like any red-blooded American, but if I’m not mistaken, these are mostly
registered democrats on the recording. What about (Ted) Nugent or the guy from
Sugar Ray?”
