Las Vegas - Speakers at the annual meeting of the American Society of Sexologists that was held last week in Las Vegas all seem to be in agreement about one thing: ordinary sex is no substitute for infarction-inducing orgiastic wild sex.
“Couples are literally f***ing themselves to death with the type of boring sex one associates with marriage and long-term relationships,” said Dr. Farley Walters, director of the Mayo Clinic’s Sexual Dysfunction Clinic and author of the best-selling book “Hump Your Way Back to Good Health.”
“This whole monogamy thing that so many people seem to be hung up on is causing all the problems,” said Dr. Walters. “You keep on year after year doing the wild thang with the same person and after while you get so bored that you just want to die. And your body responds by just shutting down.”
Dr. Walters then went on to show that statistically speaking, the healthiest and longest living demographic sector in the United States are Catholic priests in the Boston Diocese. “We couldn’t figure out why Boston Diocese priests were living on the average to the age of 95, well above the national average,” said Dr. Walters. “Spirituality didn’t seem to enter into the picture, because most of the priests we interviewed didn’t believe in God in the first place. Ruling out all other factors, what became perfectly clear was that Boston Diocese priests are among the most sexually-active individuals in the world with an average of 132 sexual encounters per week, putting them just slightly behind 12-year prostitutes in Thailand. Clearly, unfeeling, anonymous sex with multiple partners seems to be the Fountain of Youth. Of course, we emphasize that it’s safe unfeeling, anonymous sex with multiple partners that is the key.”
