New York - Melvin P. Thornberry, former chief accountant of beleaguered Arthur Anderson, tearfully entered a guilty plea yesterday to charges of gross exaggeration of reproductive organ size, a third class felony in the State of New York that carries a maximum 5-15 year prison sentence. As part of a plea bargain agreement, Thornberry will serve no prison time, but will instead be on parole for five years, perform 1200 hours of community service and will have to attend counseling for chronic overstaters of penis size.
"I know what I did was wrong, and I want to apologize to all of the women who became infatuated with me only to discover that the 15-inch manmeat maypole I claimed to be in possession of was really more in the 5 ½ to 6 inch category," Thornberry said during a press conference after his sentencing.
Dr. Helmut Kalkbrenner, chairman of the watchdog organization Accuracy in Genitalia, said that Thornberry’s conviction is an important step towards solving the problem of "penis inflation," which he claims has reached epidemic proportions. "Sigmund Freud famously asked the question ‘What do women want?’ Well, our scientific research clearly demonstrates that the average woman desires a massive johnson most of all. We’re talking a sequoia-sized woody here. So, many men deliberately overstate the length and girth of their schwanzstuckers thinking that it will make them more attractive to the opposite sex. Of course, when the truth comes out disillusionment inevitably occurs. We believe that half of all psychotic episodes and nervous breakdowns among women could be avoided if men would just stop lying about the size of their pleasure poles."
In related news, the Bureau of Weights and Measures announced today that as of January 1, 2003 all penis dimensions will be given in centimeters instead of inches in order to bring American accounting standards in line with those of the European Union, and also to make American men feel 2.54 times larger.
