Gore has been hitting the circuit lately, appearing before a joint House / Senate committee earlier this week on global warming. Panel members able to stay awake took a skeptical attitude toward Gore's vision that Earth is doomed unless mankind immediately stops using things like the internal combustion engine and electric blenders.

But Preston Hammond, an ex-Presidential historian-turned-sensible environmentalist, said the "obvious man-love radiating from people like Leonardo DiCaprio" is at least as detrimental to "polar bears and the like."

"When DiCaprio leered over Gore at the Oscars a couple weeks back, the blatant sexual desire radiating out from him melted snows off Mt. Kilimanjaro. Maybe these out-of-touch Hollywooders should stop touching themselves over Mr. Gore - THAT would save the environment!"

Sexual therapists agreed. An anonymous therapist said "if Gore's in a room, and people like Clooney or Tim Robbins enter, the temperature rises an average of two degrees due to the 'I want to jump your bones factor.'"

DiCaprio's agent "vehemently denied" his client has a "man-crush" on Gore. "As soon as Mr. DiCaprio exits the bathroom with his infamous Rolling Stone Al Gore issue, he can clear all this up. But he'll be in there a while."