Terrorist mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed made his
first public appearance yesterday since admitting his
role in numerous terrorist attacks, lacking "arms and
legs," sources said.
KSM, whose plans resulted in the slaughter of
thousands of Americans on 9/11, was a "fairly healthy
chap" before being captured by a joint Pakastani /
U.S. raid in 2003.
But hand-wringing Americans have expressed concern
that The Hairy-Backed One might have been "coerced" by
procedures like waterboarding, where the subject is
subjected to "simulated drowning."
When pressed as to why KSM is now "limbless," a U.S.
official explained, "KSM wasn't tortured. His limbs
were cut off after being sufficiently sedated. We
just thought, after a nap, if he found his thigh
missing, he might spill the beans. It worked,
obviously."
Human rights groups denounced the news, stating "only
Jack Bauer" could devise a more inhumane method of
interrogation.
"Actually, it ain't all bad," said another U.S.
official. "We've shaved KSM's back and used his
copious amounts of man-hair to make blankets for needy
children in Afghanistan. We're calling it 'Afghans
for Afghans' and it's a big hit in Kabul."
KSM himself offered a few comments and complaints
about his treatment. "The food is O.K., I like the
Afghan idea – Allah only knows how much a pain in the
ass my man-coat is – and the Americans are generally
good-natured infidels. However, with no arms or legs,
I can't itch anywhere and I can't run away. So,
overall, it blows."
In other news, Rosie O'Donnell is rumored to be
starting a charity to procure KSM some artificial
limbs. She also received her third straight
"Distinguished Infidel Award" from al-Qaeda Tuesday,
breaking Michael Moore's record of two straight.
