Watch out America the New York Times (NYT) has announced that they will soon publish eight of their best U.S. secrets. An unidentified spokesperson for the NYT said, "Revealing the administration's use of international money transfers in their so-called 'war on terror' was just a tease to get the public's interest." The NYT will randomly release eight more secrets over the next eight weeks in an attempt to raise circulation by at least two percent.
The following is a preliminary list of the secrets the NYT plans to publish:
1) Blueprints for the Patriot missile defense system
2) How to make poison gas from basic household cleaning products
3) The times, dates, and locations transferring spent nuclear fuel rods
4) Family profiles of the U.S.'s top twenty Al Qadea undercover agents
5) List of terrorist suspects under FBI surveillance in New York and California
6) How to jam the guidance system of U.S. smart bombs
7) Names of Pakistani officials accepting CIA bribes
8) Location of U.S. doomsday bombs buried in the middle-east
Not to be outdone the Los Angeles Times (LAT) plans to counter the NYT release of secrets by disclosing their own list of secrets. Bill Trader, a spokesperson for the LAT, said, "We believe our secrets are going to send a shiver down the spine of each and every American. They're that good!" We asked Mr. Trader how the LAT could outdo the NYT in selling out American security. "Easy", said Trader, "for instance, try launch codes for the U.S. nuclear arsenal".
