HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - In a fiercely fought duel of the diva deities, Ba'al overcame YHWH (aka God) to win a million-dollar RCA recording contract-and the hearts of America-in the "American Idol" competition.
In a bizarre twist, after Ba'al was announced the winner, YHWH stormed off the stage, swearing vengeance and destruction on those who cast their vote for His rival. "I am the Lord your God!" He screamed. "Thou shalt have no other gods before me! I am a jealous God!" Shaken by God's unexpected outburst but still smiling, Ba'al said simply, "I can understand His being jealous, but I wish Him all the best-there are no losers here tonight."
"Idol" host Ryan Seacrest was less surprised by YHWH's behavior. "We had a sense there might be some trouble if He lost," said Seacrest. "When He refused to do the "Up Where We Belong" duet with Ba'al we knew all bets were off." Seacrest concurred. "He kept muttering, 'I the Lord am ONE god!' Man, he's more of a prima donna than Barbra, Whitney, and Mariah combined!"
YHWH's family also seemed taken aback by His display of wrath. Jesus, sitting in the front row, noticeably cringed and slumped in His seat. He was overheard saying to His mother, Mary, "Geez, I've never seen Dad so pissed!"
"I'm like totally in shock!" Ba'al answered when asked how he felt about overcoming the creator of the universe to become the latest American Idol. "I felt like I was in really good voice tonight, but you know, God is such a versatile performer, I didn't think I had a chance in hell of winning."
Ba'al's pop-oriented musical choices, though somewhat lightweight, appealed to the mostly teenage crowd at the Kodak Theatre. His version of "Evergreen (Theme from 'A Star Is Born')" brought tears to many eyes-and turned out to be prophetic. His rocking "Like a Virgin" (dedicated to another "Idol" loser, Astarte), got the crowd on their feet dancing. Bobby McFerrin's loping "Don't Worry, Be Happy" also contributed to Ba'al's feel-good vibe.
Although the crowd was awed by YHWH's basso profundo, His Handel and Bach numbers proved less audience-friendly. He failed to get a sing-along going on the "Hallelujah Chorus," and His efforts at more modern fare also fell flat. His vehemently serious version of the Doobie Brothers chestnut "What a Fool Believes" was described by one audience member as "totally creepy." Only His rendition of the "Theme from Exodus" seemed to capture the spirit of the event, especially as He performed it in the guise of a burning bush.
Said one spectator about God's performance, "I love Aretha Franklin songs, but heavenly choirs and harps as the backing music for "Respect"?-what's THAT about? He didn't inspire me to respect Him at all-it was just embarrassing."
Though Ba'al was the overwhelming choice of the public who voted for the winner, he was not the unanimous choice of the judges. In a scripted statement, Paula Abdul said, "I've known from the very beginning that Ba'al was the gold standard in this
Originally published July 2002
