The New York Times said today that they believe the CIA is plotting to secretly replace Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with Branson MO. comedian Yakov Smirnoff. Smuggled documents by the Times' CIA mole reveal some of the preparations Smirnoff is undergoing to pass for Ahmadinejad. Fortunately for Smirnoff he will only have to stop bathing for a month to match Ahmadinejad's physical appearance. The Times said the CIA has been fairly successful using some rather unorthodox training on Smirnoff to make his Russian accent sound more like Farsi. However, the most difficult part of Smirnoff's training apparently has been getting him to change his famous comedic line of, "What a country" to "What a jihad". The CIA is convinced that by the time they are through with Smirnoff, Ahmadinejad's own sweet mum won't be able to tell the difference between the two.
When the Times was asked about what the CIA had planned to do with Almadinejad, an unidentified, anonymous, hooded Times spokesperson said, "The CIA is going to take him to a secret prison in Europe where they plan to torture and kill the Iranian patriot!" When asked how the CIA planned to kill him the same person said the CIA would have Almadinejad watch up to ten hours of the Academy, Grammy, and Tony award shows and leave a loaded pistol in his cell where they felt confident he would take his own life.
Smirnoff reportedly accepted the assignment on the condition that he would be back in time for the spring tourist season in Branson and that he would be allowed to use some of his CIA training in his new material, especially the part about the cattle prod. "Listen, I know Iran IS A JOKE and no one over there even smiles unless they're talking about the total destruction of Israel or America. If I can get those hate loving mullah's to laugh at my jokes then just think how big a hit my show will be when I get back to Branson", said Smirnoff. "Here's a joke I've been working on", said Smirnoff. "How many infidels do you have to kill to go to heaven? Give up? The answer is, Counting You!" Here's another one Smirnoff said, "Who's yellow, works in Congress, and puts down America"? Give up? The answer is! Before he could deliver his punch line Smirnoff was hustled out the door saying, "What a country!"
Members of Congress were quick to criticize the Bush administration for using a Russian immigrant on such a sensitive and dangerous mission. Senator Reid said, "My god, he's a gall darn Ruuskie and you know you can't trust those bastards!" The administration quickly responded by saying, "Smirnoff has shown more patriotism and honesty than most of Congress and he works a helluva lot cheaper. The day one of these American hating Congress people want to step up to the plate and do something right for America we'll listen. Until then they can kiss our 'Red, White, & Blue' ass." OK, OK, the administration didn't really say that. We just thought that since it's OK for the Times to make up outrageous crap we'd give it a try.
