In the release, Jesus Christ announced that he agreed not to return until after the seventh and final book in the acclaimed "Harry Potter" series hits bookstores, after a series of meetings with "Potter" writer J.K. Rowling.

"My strategy was to play hardball, but unfortunately it was obvious who had the leverage in the negotiations," Christ said. "I'm anxious to come back to Earth and take my followers up to heaven, but I need to know which side Professor Snape is really on. I think it's obvious which desire wins out."

When reached for comment, Rowling stated her pleasure with the result of the negotiations. "I think fans of the books will be pleased, knowing that they will definitely find out what will happen with these characters that they've come to know so well. Will Harry vanquish Voldemort? Will Ron and Hermoine finally hook up? You'll just have to wait and see."

The negotiations proceeded rapidly, with the only delay coming from an uninvited appearance from the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jackson wanted assurances that there would be more characters of color in the final book. After Christ and Rowling stopped laughing, security was called and Jackson was removed from the room.

"A black witch?" howled Rowling. "Sure, and then I'll have a Hispanic replace Dumbledore!"