God won't be taking prayer requests from hopeful NBA
fans and players for the seventh straight year,
sources said yesterday.
God is "unimpressed" with the NBA since Michael
Jordan's second retirement following the 1998 season.
Jordan has always been one of God's "favorite
creations," and was paid the ultimate compliment by
Larry Bird, who said Jordan was "God disguised as
Michael Jordan."
"Not quite true," said God. "I actually never miss a
shot and I'm much more athletic. But Jordan wasn't
bad for a mere mortal."
God said he wouldn't take "pathetic" prayer requests
for something as "trivial" as a Washington Wizards
victory over the Miami Heat.
"There's genocide going on in Darfur, North Korea
could blow at any moment, and terrorism is still a
deadly force," God said. "I think there's other
things more important than Shaq hitting his free
throws."
The Almighty also said he doesn't miss the NHL "one
bit" but will follow the NFL with "as much enthusiasm
as ever."
"If someone puts in a request for a last-second field
goal to defeat the Dallas Cowboys," God said, "I'll
probably come through. Because, like most mortals, I
can't stand the Cowboys, either."
"I was also behind the recent string of Lance
Armstrong triumphs at the Tour de France," the Big Guy
Upstairs said. "I get tremendous satisfaction in
seeing the French all honked off."
