During a press conference in a pineapple under the sea, a tearful SpongeBob described the everyday "anguish" of working – and thriving – in the cartoon industry, a traditional redoubt of proud heterosexuals.

Some cartoon insiders describe SpongeBob's co-star, Squidward, as "vehemently homophobic."

"Coming to work every day is certainly no picnic," SpongeBob said. "If it wasn't for the dimwit starfish Patrick, I'd probably quit."

Rumors have been swirling that SpongeBob is currently creating a new fashion-oriented show. It would involve Mr. SquarePants assisting "Seattle-area, Pearl-Jam listening, flannel-wearing guys" with their wardrobe. The show would be called "Queer Sponge For The Straight Grunge."

The good-humored yellow sponge also called the recent attacks on him by Focus on the Family's Dr. James Dobson "out of bounds" and said if he wasn't the "size of a kitchen scouring pad" he "would get in that guy's face."

Dr. Dobson made comments last month that questioned SpongeBob's sexuality and his influence on children. It is the first known instance of a prominent family values spokesman casting doubt over the amorous involvements of an imaginary sea sponge.

SpongeBob emphasized his "obsession" with Mr. Simpson. "What can I say, the guy is a major babe," SpongeBob said. "Ever since his show started, I've been watching every minute."