Joe The Peacock - Patton, before we begin on your recent Comedy Central special, your highly amusing concert CD or your incredibly entertaining website, there's something I have to get out of the way right up front - I hear from an extremely reliable source that you are a D&D geek.

Patton Oswalt - Damn you, Hardwick!

JtP - What character class is your favorite to play?

PO - A smelly, drunken dwarf. Anything to take me outside of myself.

JtP - How often do you get to play?

PO - Not often enough. Our DM just got regular pussy, so the campaign died.

JtP - Ok, very important question here: 2nd edition ruleset or 3rd edition ruleset, and why?

PO - 2nd edition all the way. I hate the 20d system, and the fact that it takes you three weeks to buy a fucking belt in the 3rd edition.

JtP - So, how does a geek become one of the funniest and busiest comedians on the planet?

PO - Free handjobs to Comedy Central execs.

JtP - It seems like the world is literally your oyster right now.

PO - Literally? Yuck. Can't the world literally be my bowl of Cheetos?

JtP - Are you enjoying this success? (dumb question, i know...)

PO - Fuck yeah. I love doing stand-up, and having a growing core of fans forces me to experiment and push every time. Everyone has fun -- me, most importantly.

JtP - You achieved the geek DREAM: you got to be in a Marvel movie, Blade Trinity. That had to be a huge thrill.

PO - It was really fun. Even more fun was the fact that it was a "troubled production" -- my first!

JtP - How did you land the gig on King of Queens?

PO - I auditioned and got the part. Sorry, I wish I had a better story.

JtP - What has been the response to the Comedy Central special?

PO - Really positive. The e-mails I've gotten have been either thumbs up or "go fuck yourself". No in-between, "meh" responses, so I'm happy.

JtP - Was it any more nervewracking than normal performances, knowing that it was going to be a special?

PO - Sort of. The nervewracking part was the fact that I'd just put out an album, and then two months later Comedy Central approaches me about doing the hour. I really wanted to have all new material for a one hour special. But I hit the road, hard, did a lot of clubs in the two months I had to prepare, and the special ended up being half new stuff, and half stuff from the album that people were fans of. So it worked out.

JtP - Your website features one of the funniest things I've ever read: sweep the leg and wake the gimp, which traces the life of legendary Kobra Kai student John Lawrence to his eventual life as the Gimp from Pulp Fiction.

PO - Thanks! I can't believe William Zabka didn't win the Oscar last year (he was nominated for best live action short film)

JtP - You appear on Conan O'brien quite a bit, and each time you do, you and the holy red-headed one seem to have a great chemestry. Are you friends outside of your professional interviewer/interviewee relationship?

PO - We're friendly acquaintances. I hate the overuse of the term "friend" in show business. We have a lot of friends and interests in common. But it's not like we're going to dinner together.

JtP - Not to sour our general good mood, but what did you think of the $40m extravaganza this past week (Bush's inauguration)?

PO - I slept through it. On purpose. Now that I think of, that's probably symbolic of how our side lost.

JtP - And what's your opinion of the tsunami relief effort, insofar as the specticle it's become on television and in the media?

PO - It's kind of gross that it's become such a spectacle, but if that's what it takes to help those people, then I guess we have to live with it. There's a terrific website. It's an organization that's been doing on-site relief work in Sri Lanka for years, so contributing to them is giving money and resources to people who already have the local connections to get to the people that, through no fault of a lot of the bigger relief efforts, are getting overlooked. Help 'em out!

JtP - final question: Do you think the current weather situation across the globe (intense rain along the west coast, incredible amounts of snow in the Northeast, tsunamis, irregularly warm currents in the pacific, etc) has anything to do with the fact that Cobra has long been working on a weather dominator?

PO - Noam Chomsky has said as much. Who am I to contradict him?

JtP - Thanks again for your time, sir. It's been an incredible pleasure.

PO - You have no goddamn idea.