Reeling from widespread criticism of its role in the shortage of the flu vaccine, the Bush Administration today announced plans to conduct a "shock and awe" campaign against the disease by means of widespread air assaults. In a press conference, Vice President Dick Cheney said, "The American people know from past experience that, in the face of an elusive and often unseen enemy, this administration can be counted on to go bomb the hell out of somebody."
Questioned whether the administration bore some responsibility for the impending crisis by permitting reliance on only two European-based manufacturing facilities for the nation's vaccine supply, Cheney said, "Well, the real lesson I take from that is, see how bad you can get screwed when you rely on foreigners to help defend your national interests? We're stopping that crap right now. Hey, Charlie, got the B-2s revved up yet?"
In a statement later in the day, President Bush said, "I just found out we've got a guy in the government called the 'Surgeon General' who gets to wear a uniform and everything. We're gonna put him in charge of combat operations so we can get rid of this flu bacteria thing. Hey, maybe he'll order some surgical air strikes. Heh!"
When asked whether the administration had decided exactly where they planned to direct the bombing campaign, Cheney laughed derisively and said, "Yeah – FLU-jah!"
