The third presidential debate, to be held at Arizona State University tonight, was to focus primarily on domestic issues, but Bush's stage props should ensure that foreign policy, particularly Kerry's wishy-washy stance on terrorism, will once again carry the day.

Vice President Dick Cheney said Bush's on-stage accessories should rival Carrot-Top, a notorious prop comic. "George will not only get his point across...he'll also have the audience doubled over with laughter," said Cheney.

Kerry said in the second debate that he's "only had one position on Iraq." Republican advisers and statisticians, meanwhile, estimate that Kerry has "held no less than 814 positions on Iraq."

"Once these Romanian gymnasts start bending all over the place," said the president, "the American people will realize the crazy stances John Kerry has taken. By the way, all the gymnasts will be female, of course," the president said with a wink.

When notified of Bush's plan for the debate, Kerry campaign strategists immediately complained of "blatant sexism in illustrating Kerry's foreign policy stances."

Kerry campaign manager Tad Devine said if the American people "need any more proof this president will outsource our jobs, this is a perfect example."