Cash-deprived campaign managers for John Kerry
may soon resort to selling Halloween masks in their
candidate's likeness, sources said Thursday.
The Kerry campaign is quickly running out of money.
Primary financier Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of the
the Massachusetts senator, has been "recently dumping
money into anger-management and language courses."
Ms. Heinz Kerry is taking lessons in Swahili, Arabic,
Japanese, and Norwegian. She plans to open her next
speech with phrases from nine different languages, up
from the five she used at the Democratic National
Convention.
With Heinz Kerry's funds now diverted from the
campaign, an anonymous
Kerry pollster came up with the "brilliant yet
insulting" idea to market
"grisly Halloween masks" that look "just like ol'
Kerry."
"I must say, they're pretty frightening," an
Hollywood horror-movie makeup
artist said. "Could use some tweaking, though. Not
enough life-like. When
it looks exactly like Kerry, it will outsell
Frankenstein all day long."
Kerry said he was "happy to be getting out of
financial straits," but he also
said he was "a little horrified at the idea" of using
his face to scare people.
"A little horrified, yeah," said another Kerry
pollster, holding a prototype. "Kind of like
how I get just looking at this thing."
The mask should have outstanding sales, despite the
fact "it'll tend to
flip-flop all over the face of whoever's wearing it."
