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Tiger Woods Weds Swedish Model in 11 Zillion Dollar Ceremony
10/7/2004 - Jake Loscutoff
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Golfing great Tiger Woods married Swedish model Elin Nordegren today in a private ceremony at an exclusive resort in Barbados, according to CIA operatives. The ceremony reportedly cost 11 zillion dollars.

Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jordan, and the late Jackie Robinson were among the guests standing on the wind-wafted hillside overlooking the gently setting sun which cast a stunningly brilliant amber glow on the late-summer sky, the handiwork of Industrial Light & Magic technicians, who raised and lowered the sun by crane several times until the scene looked "just right." The bride wore a sleeveless white gown, while the groom wore a checkered red-and-blue tam o'shanter, orange plaid sweater with matching knickers, and patent-leather cleats. At the couple's express request, the guests were all naked to prevent the bringing in of concealed weapons or cameras. Security was provided by the United States Air Force, which was authorized to shoot down any helicopters or other aircraft venturing within 100 miles of Barbadian airspace.

The island's leading and only newspaper, the Barbados Daily Eek-a-Hurricane!, quoted unidentified sources as saying that, after the ceremony, the couple was taken to a nearby dock by a golf cart chauffeured by Pope John Paul II, From there, Woods and his bride boarded a skiff piloted by the late Alan Hale, Jr., and were taken to Woods's yacht, named "da Wood," to spend their wedding night.

Francis Ouimet, a spokesman for Woods, said that the cost of the ceremony was "a bargain" given the technical and resurrectional challenges involved.

 

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