In a rare show of agreement, representatives of President Bush and Senator John Kerry today defended the 32-page document setting out strict behavioral and rhetorical guidelines for Thursday's presidential debate in Coral Gables, Florida. Kerry campaign spokesman Bruce Barton said, "We think the American public wants to focus on the candidates' positions on the issues and not be distracted by extraneous things like argument, disputation, and spontaneous conversation."
The guidelines specify, among other things:
· The candidates will not pose questions directly to each other or do any of the following while the other is speaking: squirm, scratch, burp, belch, fart, make funny faces, look at their watches and tap their feet, do Russian roulette pantomimes, or repeatedly thrust their hips toward their lecterns in a greater-than-six-inch range of motion;
· The candidates will not stray more than 8 feet 7 ¾ inches from their lecterns, the guideline to be enforced by an invisible fence which will administer mild shocks to the violating candidate. Any repeated violations will result in utilization of the electronic dog collar backups.
· Senator Kerry will not call undue attention to his taller stature by standing on his tiptoes, pantomiming foul shots, or saying to the President, "Hey, Saddam, kinda cold down there in that hole, huh?"
· Any zingers, like "Where's the beef?" and "There you go again" to give examples from past debates, must be reviewed by and approved by the other candidate before utterance to prevent undue surprise, and must be drawn from a list of Officially Sanctioned Zingers which will include such recent catchphrases as "You're fired!" and "Can you hear me now?"
Bush campaign spokesman Joseph McGinniss said, "We particularly insisted on the setting up of a seven-second time delay during the broadcast to make sure the President doesn't let something slip that will require clarification later, such as 'I don't think you can win a war on terror' or "Mission Accomplished!' In exchange for that concession, we agreed to let Senator Kerry's people insert a laugh track to help support his attempts to inject more humor into his personality. We'll monitor its use closely, though, to make sure they don't use it when President Bush starts waxing optimistic about the Iraqi elections."
