New York - The credibility of Dan Rather and the entire News Division of CBS is hanging by a thread as network officials rush to find corroboration for a report aired last week on "60 Minutes" alleging that ABC reporter Ted Koppel's hair is real. CBS was embarrassed when it was revealed that Mr. Suzy, the hair expert it hired to verify the organic nature of Koppel's moptop, is not certified with the National Association of Forensic Hair and Follicle Examiners and is, in fact, blind. Mr. Suzy's credentials were debunked within ten minutes of the report being posted on the Conservative Coiffures Blog.
Mr. Jebediah, a gay conservative hairdresser from Orem, Utah and the webmaster of Conservative Coiffures Blog, said that it is obvious to anyone that Koppel's hair is not real, but a "really bad hairpiece." "My god, if you enlarge a photo of Koppel's head you can see that his so-called 'hair' is actually composed of tiny titanium threads woven into his scalp," said an exasperated Mr. Jebediah. "I mean, hel-looooo, Koppel was reporting from Hurricane Ivan and 200 mile an hour winds didn't even cause his hair to move."
In related news, renowned forensic hair expert Mr. Gooji told a press conference this morning that, while he had been retained by CBS to examine claims made about Mr. Koppel's hair, he was only able to confirm that Koppel's top is composed of a "hair-like substance of unknown origin."
