At 3:30 AM world-dictator aspirant Dick Cheney ordered his minions at
Halliburton to set hurricane Ivan on a crash course with the city of New Orleans, guaranteeing that the once-thriving city will become nothing but a fuzzy, hungover memory for most Americas. Political observers believe that it was only the strength of the Cuban-American lobby and potential panhandle vote that saved the whole state of Florida from Cheney's wrath.
Cheney, who appeared on TV from his underground bunker somewhere in Maryland,
said that he ordered the destruction of New Orleans because, “the Big-Easy type
lifestyle does not fit my master plan for America, it’s the most French thing
in America, there’s nothing there that won’t give me a heart attack, and it’s
full of black people.”
Yet some see the hand of political strategist Karl Rove at work here. “Rove
knows demographics,” says Tim Russert on Meet the Press, “and taking New
Orleans out of the picture would place the state of Louisiana, and thus the
whole south, squarely in the Republican’s corner. Also, it obliterates the
center of African-American power in the state, ensuring more Republicans in
local office. It’s both wonton destruction and a brilliant political move.”
Upon hearing the news, left-wing commentator Michael Moore wrote on his
website, “SEE I told you about Cheney and HALLIBURTON – they want to take over
the world, and they hate black people. I TOLD YOU SO!” He was destroyed by a
laser beam from outer space immediately afterward.
It is believed that Cheney arranged for the rednecks and Israelis to leave the
city ahead of time. The former it seems were tipped off by the popular country
song, “Get Out of New Orleans Before Cheney Floods it” and the latter, for
whatever reason, just always seem to know.
The destruction of New Orleans will have surprisingly little effect on the
overall American economy, although the Bloody Mary, morning after pill, keg
stand, penicillin, and Girls Gone Wild sectors may suffer some decline.
