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Citing Nielsen Media Research data showing that more
viewers tuned into the Republican National Convention
than the Democratic National Convention, the heads of
the major broadcast networks have made the November
election the first casualty of the new fall television
season. In a joint statement, the presidents of NBC,
CBS, ABC, and Fox said, "We think the Nielsen data is sufficient to project President Bush as the winner.
So, rather than drag this thing out and subject the
American people to George Bush and John Kerry yelling
into a microphone in Springfield, Ohio, every night
for the next two months, we thought we'd just pull the
plug on the whole thing right now. Besides, this will
keep the American viewing public from being distracted
from our other fine programs during November sweeps."
The Democrats immediately called the ratings count
into question, citing the results from Florida viewers
as "particularly suspect." "I doubt that 89% of
Florida households were watching President Bush's
acceptance speech Thursday night," said Democratic
spokesman Otto Mesmer, "when Hurricane Frances had
half of South Florida parked on I-95 and the other
half watching the Weather Channel 24/7."
Bush political adviser J. Warren Kerrigan said that
one of the first orders of business for President
Bush's second term will be to find a replacement for
Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge, who is expected
to retire. "Based on insider predictions of ratings
winners for the new TV season," said Kerrigan, "we
consider Joey Tribianni the leading candidate."
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