In a stunning development at the Republican National
Convention today, John McCain, Arnold Schwarzenegger,
and Zell Miller announced their intent to form their
own political party, the "ReSchizoCrats."
McCain spoke for the group when he said, "Boy, this is
a real load off our minds. It was just getting too
hard on our psyches to make nice to the Republicans
while also being in bed – both figuratively and
literally – with the other side. We were having
trouble keeping a straight face saying how the
Republicans with Bush and Cheney were our best hope to
lead the country in the war on terror. With our
collective track record in combat and quasi-combat
situations, we asked ourselves why we were shilling
for these guys. Not to mention the crap we've had to
put up with from all these Gomer delegates from
Bomfog, Iowa."
McCain was referring to an incident in which Miller, a
former Marine, and Schwarzenegger, a former
Terminator, overheard a zealous Republican delegate
yelling "We're gonna squash those wussy Democrat
traitors, and anyone they sleep with!" An entire
detail of New York City police was diverted to the
floor of the Garden from Pennsylvania Station to
prevent the delegate from finding himself on the
business end of an impromptu Alley-Oop.
McCain had no comment on reports that Vice President
Cheney's daughter Mary was also planning to join the ReSchizoCratic ranks.
Dr. Napoleon Lajoie, a professor at the Wossamatta U.
College of Armchair Psychology, said that he wasn't
surprised that the trio had decided to form their own
party. "Clearly these three people are suffering from
a severe case of cognitive dissonance – that is,
professing one thing publicly while internally
experiencing something totally opposite. Granted,
that's part of the politician job description, but
these guys were practically having skin eruptions over
it. Hopefully, Jerry Lewis can raise a few bucks for
them on his telethon next week."
