Veterans of the TV series “Love Boat” joined ranks
with
tobacco-chewing, beer-swilling Bass Boat Veterans in a
news conference that criticized Democratic
presidential
nominee John Kerry.
Along with the much-publicized Swift Boat Vets, the
Love Boat Vets and Bass Boat Vets virtually guarantee
that three-fourths of the U.S. voting public who ever
floated on water will not vote for Kerry.
Kerry aides called the announcement “disheartening”
and said their candidate would attempt to “grab the
votes of anyone who’s been on a train.”
“We’ve lost the boat people,” an unnamed Kerry adviser
said. “But maybe we could get the train-voting bloc.”
The Love Boat Vets will look to keep a low profile,
sources said. One Love Boat Vets spokesperson said if
his group “gets too visible”
they may “invoke painful memories” to TV viewers of
the late 70s and early 80s.
The Bass Boat Vets, meanwhile, will look to gather
support of others, including the Tour Guide Boat Vets,
the Tugboat Vets, and the Steamboat Vets.
“Yeah, you heard right,” a Bass Boat Vets spokesman
said. “There’s a couple fellows in Missouri pushing
120 years old. They’re the last two living remnants
of a bygone era…and we hear they don’t like Kerry.”
Reporters were able to gather comments from one of the Steamboat Vets, 118-year old Lloyd Hillenbacher. The feisty old man said, “I’ll add crankiness to our cause. You may think the Swift Boat Vets are cranky, but until you’ve seen a guy born in 1886 who piloted steamboats at the turn of the last century, served in World War I, lived through the Great Depression, and hasn’t had a regular bowel movement since 1959, you ain’t seen cranky, son.”
