Shortly before the Iraq war Saddam Hussein, desperate to
win international support, dispatched a team of highly skilled inspectors to
search for weapons of mass destruction in our own United States of America. The
following intelligence reports were recently declassified by the commission
investigating the 9/11 terror attacks.
Dear Your Majesty,
Inspection is going slow but sure. We have no conclusifying
evidence that Little George build weapons of master destruction, but we build
case for you. Today our team land in airport in Atlanta and we hear of
“convenient store.” We think, convenient for storing weapons of master
destruction? We find convenient store and make forceful entering. We search
shelves, find suspicious item: Smartfood, maybe related to Smart Bombs? We ask
man what is, and he say “Popcorn, like from colonels.” We say, “From army
colonels? General Schwarzecopff?” He say, “no, not those kind of colonels.
Colonels that go POP!” We say, “POP, like giant balloon containing chemical
weapon?” He point to refrigerator, say “Pop, p-o-p, like soda pop.” We say,
“Soda go POP too?” He say, “No, soda pop, like Mountain Dew.” We investigate
Mountain Dew, find suspicious warning: “CODE RED.” We confiscate nuclear popping
bottle, man tell us we are crazy. He say “It’s just water and sugar, dudes.” Ha
ha! Then how come it cost $1.25? (American think Iraqi inspector are clowns.) We
send to lab, they say Mountain Dew is green, not red, this version probably
tainted with chemical weapon. Other suspicious items seizured: Coors “silver
bullet,” atomic fireballs, everlasting gobstoppers (how did they find out
about Your Majesty’s everlasting gobs?)
Dear Your Majesty,
Today there is report of suspicious items in house of film
star Pee Wee Herman. We wait for him go to movie theater, break into house. We
find child porno collection even bigger than Abdel’s. We hear him returning and
Akbar say, “Quick, take some shit and run.” Mission abortioned.
Dear Your Majesty,
Today there is report of Evil Bill building weapon in
Harlem. We ask people on street, have they seen Evil Bill? One person say,
“Clinton? He da bomb! He da bomb!” We look up “da” in dictionary but no
translation, we think phrase mean “He has bomb! He has bomb!” We order team to
canvas area. Inspector Rakman get suspicious, he ask, “Why so many manicure
salons?” We ask white man in Columbia shirt. He say, “Are you trying to get me
in trouble?” We say, “In trouble for revealing location of massive weapon
facility?” He say, “You better get out of here before someone beats you
wise-asses.” We say, “You mean we are wise to weapons of master destruction?”
Then woman pass by wearing headphones, probably she is listening to news because
she scream, “Who let the dogs out?” They have released rabid
anthrax-carrying hounds to keep us from finding Evil Bill! (Your Majesty, look
how the tyrant Little George harms his own people.) We run back to hotel and
file humanitarian report with UN.
Dear Your Majesty,
You will be very proud of us today, because we infiltrate
the mother of all hiding places: the tyrant Little George’s palace in Crawford,
Texas. You not believe what we saw. We see notebook on desk and open to first
page and read note:
“evil-dooers or evil dewars?
CHECK SPELLING WITH DICK. (LOL, spelling with Dick. ADD THIS TO
PRESIDENTIAL ‘DICK PUNS’ ARCHIVE.)”
We look beside bed and there is shelf “Books I Got To
Read,” but every book is same book. (Your Majesty, see how deranged is Little
George, reading only this Cliff Notes over and over again.) We see red
telephone marked “Presidential Use Only,” with speed dial settings labeled:
1.
Daddy (living room)
2.
Daddy (den)
3.
Daddy (crapper)
4.
Daddy (huntin pager)
5.
Since #5 not labeled we pick it up thinking maybe it is to
order weapons-of-mass-destruction launch, but all we hear is, “HELLO! AND
WELCOME TO MOVIEFONE!”
Suddenly Little George burst in, he say, “Well well well,
if it ain’t the sneaky shieks.”
Inspector Abdel say, “So it is you.”
Little George say, “You think you can just come into a
man’s casa searching for chemical weapons? Uh-uh, you cocky Iraqis. Cuz
this here is Tejas, where we solve things hermano a mano.”
Inspector Abdel say, “Surrender or we are forced to use
ultimate chemical weapon on you.”
Little George say, “What you got for me? You gonna thrax
me? Come on, bring the thrax.” He stick out butt and point finger. “Come on,
thrax that ass. Cuz I got news for you, sand-sluts. I been inoculated. You
know what that means?”
Inspector Abdel shake his head no.
Little George say, “Hell, neither do I. But I do know I’m
immune to anthrax.”
Inspector Abdel say, “He is too proud and stubborn. It is
hopeless. We have given him enough time. We must commence Operation Enduring PBR.”
Suddenly Inspector Akbhar bring in wheelbarrow containing
silver container. Little George look nervous. He say, “Oh shit! Kegger!”
Inspector Abdel say, “That is right. Can you believe
Rumsfeld drank half keg of this Pabst?”
Little George change expression and say, “Half a keg?
Boys, half a keg is some pussy shit. I used to knock back three of these and
still get my Camero home without a peep from the po-po. Observe the master.”
And just as Your Majesty predicted, he begin to do keg stand.
After ten minutes of consuming drink he stop and say, “What
y’all just standin’ there for? Y’all a bunch of teetotalers? Course, you never
been to the Boobs and Booze parties us boys in the Skulls used to throw. Back
then the term “date rape” didn’t even exist. Seriously— why you just standin’
there holding your peckers? Hell, if you ain’t up for some fun, at least
call the damn press corps in, them newsies are always up for beer drinkin’ and
hell raisin’.”
We call media in and Little George say, “Help yourself
boys, although I got to say it don’t feel right without some Skynyrd on the
jukebox. I’d pay $100 for that. You know their song That Smell, supposed
to be about coke addiction? Well I got news for you, I done a toot or two in my
time and I always thought that song was bout takin’ a nasty shit.”
The press look shock, start taking notes.
Little George say, “No one’s with me here? Oo-oo that smell. The smell of
death’s around you? Cheney told me that the other day in the men’s room. I
was like, “Dick, I’m not the one who’s doc just gave him 30 days to
live.” Ooops, I didn’t say that. Sorry Dick. Can’t trust George with a secret.
Especially when it comes to insider tips about Enron, eh Dick? Boy I’m getting’
myself into a bit of trouble, eh? PBR speakin’. Did I mention we’re going to war
for oil?”
There is gasp from media.
Inspector Abdel say, “OK, I think our job is done here,
team. But before we go back to Iraq, let’s conduct a temporary occupation of the
tv room. I think Alias is on and man, is that chick hot.”
Your Majesty’s in
freedom and justice,
Inspector Abdel
Inspector Khaled
Inspector Akhim
Inspector Akbar
Inspector Rakman
