“Slathered with butter, nice and warm out of the oven,” described Edwards. “My beautiful, slow-metabolized wife Elizabeth shall sit down to a sizzling plate of beef, mashed potatoes, and oil-crusted dinner rolls for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as I bring a message of hope to the American people.”

Kerry supporters cheered Edwards’ comments, quickly drawing comparisons between Elizabeth Edwards and current vice-presidential spouse Lynne Cheney, who was rarely seen eating in public during husband Dick’s campaign.

“Isn’t it strange,” commented Kerry supporter Dale Freel, “that you never see Lynne Cheney feeding her face? Ever? What kind of robot wife wouldn’t plant herself in front of a half-pound Angus burger with fries, cole slaw, and generous amounts of ketchup to top it off? Elizabeth Edwards can plow through a pecan coffee cake in one sitting for all I care, as long as it brings attention to the problem of obesity in America.”

Democratic pollster Kevin McGrady, however, is warning fellow Kerry supporters not to get too excited when it comes to spousal grandstanding. “Elizabeth Edwards certainly evokes the favorable image of fellow house-Frau Tipper Gore, who could tip the scales with the best of them, but can she keep it up? She’ll need a new wardrobe before it’s over, and that’s not as easy as it sounds.”

“We’re talking 24/7 Chinese takeout, cheeseburgers, greasy pizza, and the occasional banquet-caliber prime rib and scalloped potatoes meal for the next four months,” added former Al Gore campaign manager Donna Brazile. “These people need a campaign manager, not a campaign manger. If this lady hasn’t met Fruit Pie the Magician by now, she’s in for a surprise.”

Political observers tell BrokenNewz that Mrs. Edwards can expect to add “twenty-five to thirty pounds” on her full-figured frame. “Not only that,” says one pundit, “but each pound will help win the coveted vote of ‘Keebler Moms’ throughout the electorate. This is not an accident here.”

Republicans charge that Senator Edwards, a member of the Trial Lawyers Association, has cynically trotted out “ol’ Lizzie” in a calculated campaign to target fast food restaurants that prey on the obese. Democratic staffers, however, are quietly dreading any perceived connection between Edwards and the image of ambulance chasers and frivolous lawsuits.

“The American public has a decidedly negative view of trial lawyers,” says Heritage Foundation analyst Greg Thomas. “We think it would be a mistake to stake the election on a side of beef.”

“So what? The lady can put it away,” crowed Colin Billish of the grassroots organization, The Kerry Brigade. “It’s time we put away the president!”

Washington insiders strongly suspect that attacking obesity may cause problems between Edwards and aspiring First Lady Teresa Heinz, heiress to enough ketchup to cover the world in three layers.