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| Tony Romo Gives Dallas Cowboys Early Off-Season |
| Saddam Hussein Hours Before Execution: "Mistakes Were Made" |
| Saddam Hussein Cancels New Years Eve Party |
| Saddam Hussein Hours Before Execution: "Mistakes Were Made" |
| Republicans Secretly Support Cloning |
| Rising Violence Linked to Our Elections |
| Scentist Identify Dance Gene In Women |
| Sean Hannity's Gay Dating Website |
| Stories We're Working On |
| Nancy Pelosi Fears Witch Hunt |
| My 76 Virgins Won't Put Out |
| Radical Children's Organization Claims Responsibility For Contaminated Spinach |
| GEICO Lizard To Be Deported |
| Pope Says Mohammed's Mama Wore Combat Boots, Muslims Accept Apology |
| Pope Insults Muslims; Gets Spit in Slurpee |
| Guinness Book Certifies Richard Armitage as 'World's Biggest Dick' |
| Cell Phone Battery Explosions Hailed As Population Control Device - Recall Cancelled |
| Britney Spears's Baby Released Two Days Before Street Date; Record Company Sues |
| Ned Lamont To Undergo Surgery For Shoulder Implants |
| Katie Couric Selects "Impeach Bush" As New Broadcast Sign Off |
| Steve Irwin to Rassle Demons, Specters, Wraiths |
| Bush Refuses Challenge to Debate Iranian President; Proposes Spelling Bee |
| Pluto No Longer a Planet; Bush Relieved One Less Thing to Memorize |
| Kidnapped FOX Journalists: "We Blame the Liberal Media!" |
| 'Radio Free America' To Start Operations Next Monday |
| Experts Proclaim Texas Psychic More Accurate Than Nostradamus |
| John Mark Karr Gets Trip To France For Riots Confession |
| Push 5 Now If Your Dell Computer is Engulfed in Flames |
| Does Reuters Photo Solve Refrigerator Light Mystery? |
| Mel Gibson Admits Jews Didn't Cause 1879 Anglo-Zulu War |
| Hezbollah Teenager Furious At the Destruction of His Kindergarten Terrorist Training Camp |
| Mel Gibson's Holocaust Mini-series Cancelled; Slapstick Comedy Wrong Approach |
| U.N. Urges Israelis, Upcoming 49ers Opponents To Shun Disproportional Force |
| Ricky Williams Signs Contract For 60 Kilos |
| Congressional Democrats Take To The Yellow Brick Road |
| Former Enron Workers Receive Bill For Kenneth Lay's Funeral |
| NYFD To Offer Free Guns To People Considering Suicide |
| Wife Beater Takes Advantage of U.S. Policy of Rendition; Gets European Torture on 12 Dollars a Day |
| 'Newspapers' - One of Six New Causes of Death Casualty Categories |
| North Korea Unveils 'Dalongdong' |
| Ken Lay's Ashes to Be Hidden in Offshore Bank |
| Ken Lay's Death Photo Released - Camp Quick to Disprove Conspiracists |
| NY Times Reports FBI Killing Random Americans for Practice; Bush Scolds The Times for Exposing Secret Program |
| NY Times To Publish Eight Part Series of U.S. Secrets |
| Alec Baldwin Wins Game Of Age Of Empires, Demands Control Of U.S. Military |
| GOP Holds Back Renewing Voting Rights Act; Names Sheet National Headgear |
| FBI Predicts World Cup Soccer Office Pools Will Exceed $880 |
| Interview with Dustin Diamond - Mansion, Foreclosure and the 10 Inch Penis |
| CIA Reveals Map Used To Find Zarqawi And His Treasure of Information |
| The Superest Super 8 EVER! |
| Bush Pushes Constitutional Amendment to Ban Unnatural Sporks |
| Al-Qaeda Lieutenant Betrays Al-Zarqawi for $25 Million Bounty; Will Buy 1,000 Tons of TNT |
| Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Was A Dixie Chick Fan |
| Congresswoman McKinney Charges Dropped On Reason Of Insanity |
| Missing Child Sues Milk Company for Using Her Photo for Profit |
| Bush Wants To Borrow A Canadian Terrorist For Fall Elections |
| Conservatives To Vote 'VIRTUAL' Republican |
| Dirk Nowitzki Most Popular German Since Hitler; Jews Flee Dallas |
| Media Presented With Revised Marine Hymn |
| Ba'al Wins "American Idol" Competition |
| Capitol Hill is Closed after Bush Revokes Congressional Parking Passes |
| Explaining the Percentages - Impatience, Hot Bosses, President Hillary Clinton |
| Current Events Trivia Game |
| Interview with Henry Rollins |
| New Poll: If Bush Breaks Leg, Majority Approve Putting Him Down |
| Canada Orders Mounties to U.S. Border to Prevent Influx of Crappy Film Productions |
| Bush Abdicates Throne For The Man That He Loves |
| Detroit Pistons' Rasheed Wallace Guarantees He'll Act Like Ass For Rest Of Life |
| NSA To Monitor Baby Monitors |
| Sampling of Headlines On President Bush's Immigration Speech |
| Senator Patrick Leahy Wants NSA To Offer 'Opt-Out Option' To Al Qaeda Suspects |
| Holy Cow and Oh My God – We're Making a Movie! |
| Police Drive Kennedy Get-Away Car |
| Bush Not Above the Law; Will Run in '08 |
| Slang Experts Debate - Is Pussy a Bush or is Bush a Pussy? |
| Homeland Security Administration Forced To Shut Down For May 1 Protests |
| Getting to Know Your 2008 U.S. Presidential Candidates |
| Pittsburgh Pirates To Welcome Illegal Immigrants Who Can Field, Hit, Or Pitch |
| 'Everything's a Dollar' to Pay Employees $1 Per Hour |
| Explaining the Percentages - President Bush, Barry Bonds, Immigration |
| President Bush Plans to Spend All His New Money Probing Gasoline Prices |
| FDA Denies Benefits of Medicinal Marijuana; Little Debbie Stocks Plummet |
| Press Secretary Scott McClellan Forced Out of Job; Will Lie for Food |
| President Bush's Mad Libs with Libby |
| Iraq's Mobile Biolabs Actually Discovered to Be Sea-Monkey Breeding Facility |
| Lesbians Take Part in Whitehouse Easter Egg Roll; Finally Found Use for Their Eggs |
| 72 Virgins Club Relaxes Membership Rules |
| "Manliness" Author Harvey C. Mansfield Accused Of Throwing Like A Girl |
| Political Cartoon - Iraq Nuclear Needs |
| You Might Be A Politician If... |
| Mexican Insurgents Capture More High Schools In California and Colorado |
| Mr. Gorbachev, Build Us This Wall! |
| Veteran Police Officer Faces Charges For Hitting Himself With Congresswoman McKinney's Hand |
| Helen Thomas Hooks Up With Cancun Boy-Toy |
| LSU's Glen Davis Loses "Big Baby" Nickname To Gonzaga's Adam Morrison |
| Social Security Numbers To Expand To 12 Digits To Accommodate Guest Workers |
| Random Responses to America's Illegal Immigration Catastrophe |
| Police Search For Suspected Anglo In Los Angeles Immigration Protest |
| Statue of Liberty Fails to Apply for Citizenship Under New Law |
| Dog Handler Found Guilty of Abu Ghraib Abuse; Team Named Best in Show |
| Blue Collar Comedy Tour Bankrupts without White Collar Accountant |
| Barry Bonds Supports Pete Rose Hall Of Fame Ban |
| Permanent Transformations are Top Regrets of 1980's Robots |
| Excerpt from Frommer's Guide to Red States |
| Brave George Clooney Almost Kills "Icky" Spider |
| Judge Slaps Congressman Cunningham With Eight Years and Loss of Tennis Privileges |
| Domino's Catholic Town Shows Way to Other Fast Food Franchises |
| Iraqi Kidnappers Demand Cure for Cancer |
| Brokeback Mountain Success Laying Way For Future Projects |
| Tony Reali Mutes All ESPN Personnel, Seizes Control Of Network |
| Bush Gets Oprah To Endorse Seaport Deal |
| Deal Reached For Arabs to Tuck Our Children into Bed Each Night |
| Mom arrested for Unlicensed Batman Birthday Cake |
| Osama bin Laden Releases Latest Message on Myspace Page |
| Gretzky Puts Odds At 5-To-1 He'll Avoid Gambling Charges |
| Collection of Headlines over Dick Cheney Hunting Accident |
| Dick Cheney Invites Jack Abramoff Bird Hunting |
| Seattle Seahawks Invite Aretha Franklin For Defensive Tackle Tryout |
| The Award for Best Award Show Goes To: |
| Lord Vader Perpetuates Stereotype that Handicapped People are Bent on World Destruction |
| Inflammatory Family Circus Cartoon Sparks Riots in Middle West |
| Hamas Election Victory Could Cause Middle East Turmoil, Experts Say |
| Conservatives Reject Jesus for a 10% Raise |
| Bush's Pocket Picked At State of Union Speech |
| New Ads for French McDonald's |
| Alito Admits Prejudice Against Septuagenarian Irish Louts |
| Osama bin Laden Considering Dancing With The Stars |
| Marines To Congress "Bite This" |
| Greenpeace Commends China For Environmentally Friendly Submarine |
| Scientist Sneeze Scatters Comet Dust |
| Howard Dean Claims Sesame Street Characters Target Of Vast Right Wing Conspiracy? |
| Torture Ban To Still Allow "Naked Dude Pyramids" |
| Social Etiquette Lesson #1 |
| New York Times Uncovers CIA Plot To Replace Iranian President With Yakov Smirnoff |
| Tens of People Purchase Sirius Satellite Radio To Hear Howard Stern |
| Men and Dogs |
| Congress To Hold Car Wash for Border Security |
| Kenneth Cole 'We all have Gonorrhea' |
| Strongman Saddam Hussein Can Bench-Press Only 110 Pounds |
| NYT- Bush Violated National Do Not Call Registry |
| Iranian Leader Vows To Wipe Ass, Israel Off Map In 2006 |
| Osama bin Laden's Christmas Wish |
| Bush To Grant Himself a Pardon |
| CIA Intelligence Leaks Added to 2006 Entertainment Book |
| Silly Ass Skipping Added to NFL Annual Punt, Pass, & Kick Competition |
| Activist Beats Drum 100,000 Times, Tookie Williams Dies Anyway |
| CIA Agent Leaks In Parking Garage, Has Identity Leaked |
| Children of America Tell Politicians "No More FTC" |
| Saddam Hussein To Write Children's Book To Escape Execution |
| Politicians To Be Featured in Next Ben Stiller Movie, "Congressional Fockers" |
| Bush Cancels Trip to Mexico Border, Secret Service Cites Dangerous Environment |
| FEMA Turns Attention Toward Houston Texans |
| The Greatest Christmas Gift - Mentally Incontinent - The Book by Joe the Peacock |
| Ted Kennedy "Military Loves Me, They Want 5 Minutes With Me" |
| Bird Flu Infected Food Tastes Like Beef |
| World Leaders Praise France In 'Valiant' Effort Against 12-Year Olds |
| Dixie Chicks Punked, Receive Invitation To 39th Annual CMA Awards In NASHVILLE |
| President Bush Calls for Boycott of Arugula |
| Bush Will Not Seek Third Term |
| Terrell Owens To Write Complete Idiot's Guide To Becoming Idiot |
| Bush Names Smokey (the Bear) Special Envoy to France |
| Germany Says Self-Esteem Campaign Probably Won't Result In Conquest Of Europe |
| President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance |
| WalkRight Orthotic Insoles Honors the Man Rosa Parks Shafted |
| Hallmark Introduces "I Demand An Apology" Greeting Cards |
| Marv Albert Proposes Catholic Schoolgirl Look For NBA Players |
| All I Really Need To Know in Life I Learned By Peeing With an Erection |
| Bill O'Reilly Outfoxes Himself; No Longer A Factor |
| "Commander in Chief" TV Show Brainwashing Americans into Accepting Girls as Leaders? |
| Randy Moss Suggests Medicinal Marijuana For Aching Ribs, Groin |
| George Bush, "My Top 10 Reasons for Nominating Harriet Miers!" |
| US Border Patrol to Provide Bus Service Across Mexico Border |
| First Lady Answers Conservatives Call for a Fight |
| Bill Bennett's Left Clavicle Might Be Racist, Orthopedists Say |
| President Bush Appoints Karen Hughes to Surgeon General Post |
| Bush To Evacuate Entire Country To Great Falls, Montana |
| Roberts Sworn in as Chief Justice; New Employee Orientation Monday |
| IAEA To Deploy The Clapper (tm) at North Korean Nuclear Facilities |
| Skeptics Converted En Masse by Newly Discovered Nostradamus Predictions |
| President Bush Preemptively Apologizes For Hurricane Rita |
| Collection of Recent Hurricane Katrina Headlines |
| Supreme Court Nominee Roberts Refuses to Answer Any Questions About Anything |
| Bush Links Hurricane Katrina to Greenhouse Gases, Bombs Caracas |
| Bush Rolls Up Monogrammed Sleeves |
| Katrina Second-Ranked Louisiana Disaster Behind Saints |
| Bush Asks Rehnquist to Stay on Court Until Successor Confirmed |
| Self-Proclaimed "College Dropout" Kanye West Indeed Incapable of Higher-Level Reasoning |
| Bush Administration Strikes Back at Critics of Disaster Relief Efforts |
| U.S. Declares Oil to Be a "Weapon of Mass Destruction," Invades Canada |
| President Bush Places Cindy Sheehan On Axis Of Evil |
| Donner Party Victims of High Protein Diet |
| A Guide to a Proper Vocabulary as Seen From My Cell Phone |
| Christ Agrees to Delay Return Until After Final Harry Potter Book Released |
| White House 'Thinking of You' Cards |
| Terrell Owens Sent To Pop Warner League To Work On Maturity |
| U.S. Mint to Cease Producing Dollar Brick |
| Citing Slowing Economy, Alan Greenspan Cuts Pimpin' Rate By $25 Per Trick |
| Mariah Carey's Glitter To Be Re-Released With Director's Apology |
| Christina Aguilera-Singing Terrorist Detained Again In Afghanistan |
| Johnny Knoxville's Success Inspires Other Young Actors Named After Cities in Tennessee |
| Qur'an Receives Six More Apostrophes: Q''u'r''a''n |
| Baseball Hall of Fame Names Two New Members Based on Projected Steroid-Enhanced Statistics |
| President Bush Appoints John Bolton During Senate Recess |
| Rafael Palmeiro Wants to Remind Everyone What a Penis Barry Bonds is |
| Dick Cheney Permanently Relocated To Red Lobster Employee Break Room |
| Impoverished Asians To Bob Geldof: Thanks Again! |
| Saudi Arabia Hires Ninjas For Security |
| U.S. Suspicious with Intentions of North Korea Bake Sale |
| First Case of Mad Cow in Canadian Baseball Player |
| Golfers Scramble To Pinpoint Michelle Wie's "Time Of The Month" |
| Undead-Americans Lobby Congress for Equal Protection under Hiring Discrimination Laws |
| Howard Stern Show to Feature Female Suicide Bombers |
| McDonald's Employee Washes Hands Before Returning To Work |
| Danica Patrick, Michelle Wie Signed by NHL |
| GITMO Prisoner to Appear on Letterman |
| Brad Pitt Purchases Shoes, Wrong Size |
| Prince Albert Released From Can, Begins Reign of Monaco |
| Karl Rove Accused of Leaking Movie Endings |
| Terror Downgrade to Yellow Leaves Orange Blue, Green With Envy |
| Militant Christian Group To Flush "Dozens Of Korans" |
| NASA Probe Puts Comet on Collision Course With Earth |
| "Allahu Akbar" Revised; God Merely Above Average |
| Classics Professor Irritates Colleagues With Constant "Phrase-Dropping." |
| Supreme Court Bends, Rules Ten Commandments May Be Replaced With Bob Dylan Lyrics |
| Shark Kingdom Praises Humanity For Great New Taste; Addictive New Flavors |
| DNC Chairman Howard Dean Demands Instant Replay After Karl Rove Comments |
| The Biggest Jerk in Washington D.C. |
| "World Is Flat" Author "Really Pissing Off" Christopher Columbus's Descendants |
| Michael Jackson Aquitted in Time to Find Missing Utah Boy |
| Mr. Doty Goes to Washington |
| Allied Soldiers Punched, Spit On And Verbally Abused Mein Kampf, Lawyer Says |
| GITMO Prisoner Has Hissy Fit, Throws Phone At Marine Guard |
| Man Reads Entire EU Constitution, Dies Of Laughter |
| Don't Bogart That Weed - A Commentary |
| Nash, Ginobili Tangle Hair; Western Conference Finals Delayed |
| The Deep Throat(s) - Anna Nicole Smith Marries W. Mark Felt |
| Some Guy Wins Indy 500; Danica Patrick Finishes Fourth |
| C-Span To Introduce "Reality" Programming |
| "Chinese Century" Ends 95 Years Prematurely |
| Rolling Stones to Be Featured on "Antiques Roadshow" |
| Palestinian Leader Hopeful over U.S. Trip, Short Lines for Star Wars |
| Koran Used As Beverage Coaster, 400 Die In Muslim World |
| Movie Pirates Circulate Star Wars across Utah, Betamax Version |
| Star Wars Chewbacca Costumes, Plastic Light Sabers Called "Best Tools" For Abstinence |
| Toilet Manufacturer To Introduce Koran-Accommodating Islamoflusher |
| Archaeologists Discover Oldest Known Steely Dan Song |
| Military Base Closures and Consolidations to Result in 51st State, "Rumsfeldia" |
| God To Ignore NBA Playoffs Again |
| Mace Windu Heir Flees Charges Of Jedi Mind Trick Date Rape |
| Arab Street Downgraded To Alleyway |
| Ozzy Can't (unintelligible) Understand Keanu |
| Sexually Transmitted Diseases on the Rise Among Hand Fishermen |
| World's Population Almost Entirely Infidel, Study Says |
| Homophobic Countries Now Reconsider Relationship with U.S. |
| Senators Ponder Nuclear Option; John Bolton Given Norelco Option |
| Mike Tyson or Charles Manson |
| Woman Fingered in Wendys Finger Caper, Was Actually Own Finger. Duh! |
| Pope Benedict XVI Reaches Out to Other Religions by Allowing Jews to Call Him 'Benny' |
| Poverty Heavily Favored In Upcoming Battle With Pitt, Clooney |
| Vice Pope Prepares to Enter Undisclosed Location |
| Muslim Kicker With 'Cannon For A Leg' Detained, To Miss NFL Draft |
| John Bolton Receives Backing from 'Got Milk' Association |
| Michael Moore Begs Conservative Pranksters To Throw Pies |
| Rock-Throwing Chinese Protesters To Consult 'Expert' Palestinians |
| Leaderless Kyrgyzstan Names Mike Krzyzewski President For Life |
| Job Applicant's Own Incompetence Provides Solace |
| Interview With Comedian Todd Barry |
| John Kerry Opts for Knee Surgery After Voting Against It |
| U.N. Concerned Over Plummeting Terrorist Life Expectancies |
| Millions Flock to Vatican to Pay Final Respects |
| President of WNBA offers to testify before Congress; Congress replies: "Why?" |
| Vatican Halts Production of Pope John Paul II Bobble Heads, Key Chains, Shot Glasses |
| Michael Schiavo Falls Down Stairs, In Need Of Feeding Tube |
| Johnnie Cochran Appeals Own Death |
| College Dorm Voyeur Cam Invaded By 7 Year Old |
| Kyrgyz President Ousted, Stripped of Vowels |
| 67 Million Arrested In NCAA Bracket Sting |
| Congress Follows Action in Schiavo Case by Declaring Michael Jackson Not Guilty |
| Paris Hilton's PDA |
| Plans Unveiled for "Pave Texas!" Project |
| Pajama Clad Michael Jackson Endearing Himself To Slobs |
| Rappers Praise Hunter S. Thompson's Aim |
| Winner of Iraqi Elections - Abu Musab al-Zarqawi |
| Fearful Over Rumors of Visiting Hillary, Bill Clinton Gives Bed to Bush Sr. |
| Pope's Having Hard Time Keeping Up With Personal Blog |
| John Grisham Tells The Tale of Saddam Hussein in His Latest Gripping Novel |
| NHL Lockout To Affect Dozens Of Fans |
| Harvard Unveils New Postgraduate Programs |
| Poor, Rural Counties Offer Sweet Deals for Meth Lab Development |
| Illness Affects Ability of Pope Shitting In Woods |
| European Protesters Spell Only 25% Of Signs Correctly |
| "Extreme Makeover" Show Admits It Substituted Supermodel Tyra Banks for Contestant |
| Cuba's Ten Blankets, Box Of Cigars Finally Reach Tsunami Victims |
| Microsoft Releases X-Box '05 |
| Bush Tapes Cause President to Cancel Amsterdam Leg of Tour |
| Mass Suicide Could Save Social Security, Bush Administration Says |
| North Korea Now Claims it is Producing Pauly Shore Films |
| Deep Throat Illness Offers New Clues to Identity |
| Thousands of Forgetful Men Remind Their Women "At least I Did Not Try to Kill You on Valentine's Day" |
| Three Year Old Successfully Circles The Globe |
| Kim Jong Il Confident Nukes Will Finally Catch Attention of Jodie Foster |
| "Virtual Jihad" May be Hindered by Poor Dial-up Connection, Indolence |
| SpongeBob Leaves Closet, Admits Crush On Homer Simpson |
| Typo Leads to Tori Spelling Being Sworn in as Secretary of Education |
| Lack of Super Bowl Suprise Leaves Satire Site Without Material For Monday Morning |
| Web Site Claims American Worker Captured in Iraq |
| Iraqis Accidentally Elect Saddam Hussein |
| Charles Graner To Oversee Hazing Rituals, College Fraternity Pledges |
| Iraqi Election Results Slowed by Suicide Bombers' Absentee Ballots |
| Interview with Patton Oswalt |
| Flinching Causes Brain Drainage (That's Right Drainage) |
| Man's Death Turns Ordinary Blizzard into Killer Blizzard |
| Following Inaugural Events, Kucinich Officially Drops From 2004 Election |
| Bush: I'm Multiplicator, Additioner Along With Uniter, Divider |
| Democrats Unveil Bold Plan To Win Back South By 2076 |
| The Sad Tale of Gonzolo Dostoevsky: "I Am Not a Spammer! I Am a Human Being!! |
| Republicans Posing As Iraqis Prompt Election-Fraud Concerns |
| Bush Praises Palestinians For Electing "Somewhat Pronounceable" Leader with Mahmoud Abbas |
| $28,000 Cheese Sandwich Mistakenly Eaten at Party |
| John Kerry Votes For, Against Tsunami Aid |
| Bill Clinton's Kissing Booth Leads U.S. As Funding Source |
| Krispy Kreme and NORML Unite |
| Whoville Issues Warrant for the Grinch |
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